Newsflash...We aren't 21

I have had several incidents lately where I have pushed my 31 year old status, I've tried to deny it, hide from it, drink or dance it away.  Unfortunately, each morning I wake up and my body says to me "Newsflash, Idiot, You are not 21". 

Two weeks ago I went out with some girlfriends to celebrate July birthdays.  It was a fantastic showing of some beautiful 31 year old gals, and clearly 31 year old pallets and livers.  At 21 I would have been under the table after having just my first cosmo.  But as 1AM rolled around and our 31 year old bodies said it was well past time for us to be in our ill-fitted pajamas and mouth guards, we headed home.  Mind you, I didn't leave without a little flirting and pretending I was still young and cute and yet sophisticated and smart at the same time.  This is not easy to do when the intended you are flirting with watches his freshly poured and purchased glass of wine go flying off the table after one of your "hilarious" stories that entailed flailing of the arms.  21 or 31 I don't care what age you are, that ain't right.

Last weekend I headed out to Vail for a dear friend's wedding.  I decided to make this my vacation.  I was going to go white water rafting, on a category 5 trip, not ever having stepped foot in a rafting boat.  Yikes!  I was grossed out by the idea of borrowing used booties for my shoes, so my 31 year old self reached into my deep pockets and threw down the $10 to buy them.  However, I didn't reach down far enough to buy myself a new wetsuit...who needs one?  Well...if you saw the rash on my stomach, you could answer that question now too.  Spending 3 hours winding down the Arkansas river at sometimes ridiculous speeds and all the while, trying not to go to the bathroom on myself, because that would be rude to whomever wore the wetsuit after me.  Only at 31 do I think of others, at 21...F* 'Em All!  Apparently a 21 year old wore it before me.

I woke up the day after the trip realizing I had body parts I was unaware of that could hurt.  At 21, these didn't exist...being sore wasn't an issue.  At 31, it is nearly debilitating.  So knowing what helps a good sore body at 31 is working it out the day after, instead of drinking it away, I decided to hike around town with friends.  Then I got my 31 year old saddle-bagged ass on a tandem bike

for one hour with one of my best friends.  Because of almost killing two women and a small child while riding tandem, I spent the entire bike ride laughing.  It wasn't until the next day when I realized beneath my 31 year old looking stomach, there are muscles...now I just need to spend sometime really locating them for the future, to get that 21 year old body back.

The day after the bike ride and walking, I was done with activity. I'm a 31 year old woman for God's sake...I need a break.  Why not stop in a cute little restaurant with some friends called Sapphire and order 3 Bellini's before 3:00, no wait, make that 2:00.  Genius!  It was time to get ready for the wedding at that point.  So I put on my newly purchased $38 shoes, and was immediately made aware of why exactly they were only $38.  We were treated to a beautiful wedding in Vail that night, the bride, the groom, the wedding party, the families and the guests all looked great and were definitely surrounded with the feeling of love.  Moving on to the reception...

31 years old + $38 shoes = Disaster on the feet.  We weren't 1 hour into the dancing when my shoes were off and my white trash roots were on...barefoot at this elegant affair.  Thank God the bride is so laid back...clearly this would not have worked at other weddings.  3 solid hours of dancing, air guitar, non-coordinating lip-syncing and clapping, the night ended with laughter, love and joy.

Sunday came along and I was once again awakened by my body with "Newsflash, Moron...You are REALLY not 21!".  My body blows.  I hobbled my way through the streets of the Vail Village, nearly vomited on the shuttle to Denver, limped through the Denver airport and finally stumbled my way home to Houston.  Other than the 9 hours a day I have spent at the office since I have been back, I'm fairly certain I have been asleep the rest of the time.  So, with that said.  I may no longer have the stamina and agility and body of a 21 year old.  However, I'll accept my memories, my bank account that affords me these shenanigans, my 31 year old friends that give me the pain from laughter, and my 31 year old life.  I wouldn't trade this for perkier boobs, creekless knees or even a flatter stomach (okay, I wouldn't trade it, but I wouldn't turn down the offer to boost either!).  I am thankful for my lines, my rolls (well okay, I'm not crazy about them, but I know why I have them) and my hilarious life I have been blessed with.

May you all fall out of a raft, get a rash, go tandem, rule the road and lose your filter...clearly I lost mine long ago and I'm so thankful for that!

30 Years Down

So I have officially crossed the threshold into my "early 30s" by turning 31 on Tuesday.  I feel not one bit different from Monday when I was 30.  However, I did take some time to reflect over the past year on the last day of 30 and I did figure some interesting things out about myself that I would like to share with you.

On Sunday as I was recovering from a 4:30 AM stroll through my front door from a night out and by stroll I mean stumble, and I thought about what I needed to do that day. I needed to eat for one and then I proceeded to lay on my couch for the majority of the entire Sunday.  I made three trips out of the house, 2 for food and well actually the other was for food as well, but it was for the dog.  I spent the last Sunday of my 30th year watching reruns of 90210 and Gilmore Girls.  I empathized when Kelly and Dylan were convincing Steve to cover for them when they did nothing wrong and I teared up a little when Christopher proposed to Lorelai in Paris.  Seriously...I spent my Sunday in the dark watching terrible television...BUT I LOVED IT!!  See there are these days we sometimes need watching mindless television, eating foods meant originally for a 9 year old but still so tasty at 30 and by turning off the phone. Yes, that's right, turning off the blackberry can actually be liberating.  Of course, only turning it off for a few hours, turning it back on to check it and then immediately turning it back off again.

This is what I consider my secret single fun!  This is what the couples don't get, this time alone to do what they did when they were single and glad nobody is around to watch.  Wear a face mask, make a PB&J and eat ice cream out of the tub (no need to waste a bowl).  So to those of you who have your own secret single meals or secret single habits, more power to you for finding the time and the nook to still have them.  Whether you are 16 or 31 or 61, we all need to recognize the moments that may be neurotic to others are without a doubt, what gives us humility and humanity.  I'll be damned if you aren't going to take some time this Sunday to do what you love to do alone, be it, eat popcorn standing up or practice doing the fist pump while watching reruns of the Jersey Shore!  Live up to your single behavior, wear it proudly!   

I have spent the better part of the last 3 years getting to a place that I am content and happy with my life and 3 years in the making, I still consider myself a work in progress, but it is a happy work for sure.  I turned 31 and am thrilled about what lies ahead of me this year.  I started it without eharmony, a bitter sweet ending.  Perfect timing for it to end just as I turn 31, but not until it switched my age over to 31 on the site, one last surviving dig eharm, not cool.  I had a good run, but looking forward to a break from the online dating scene and discovering what other parts of my life are humorous, and I'm quite certain the hilarious people I surround myself with and who plan to celebrate with me tomorrow night will be able to fill this blog with great stories!

Update on My Final Eharmony Date

At 11:30 on the day we are supposed to get drinks (yesterday), I get a confirmation text of where and when.  I promptly replied (within an hour) "See you then". 

1 hour and 15 minutes before we are supposed to meet for drink I received the following text message:  "I have to cancel. I'm very sorry. Something came up. I'll text you next week."

Never even met the guy and he already shaded out...I believe this is my sign.

Hey, Eharmony...good job! :) 

Subscription cancelled...

It's not me, it's you

Dear eharmony.com,

I have decided the time has come for us to part ways.  You have done me well by providing me with endless stories of matches with men who are so unbelievably wrong for me that I have often wondered if your fool proof system is indeed, run by a fool.  You have introduced me to men who are loners, stoners, bible pushers, democrats, republicans, non-religious, non-spiritual, kid loving, kid having, employed, unemployed, chili's lovers, gamers, motorcycle riders, cheap, money hungry, short, tall, fat, balding, overly hairy, funny, dull, intriguing, rude, genuine and in the end, the most common trait amongst them all is they are without a doubt, wrong for me.

So after some quality time thinking about whether or not I should continue this investment in a sinking stock, I've decided to cut my losses, at least for the time being.  See, eharm, it's not me, it's you.  I have found that I love every part of my life, be it alone, with friends, with my dog, with family, with strangers or even on an awkward first (and inevitably last) date.  I'm happy, I'm single, I'm good at my job, I own my own house, I own my own car, I have a healthy sized black lab who adores me, I have a family who supports me, I have friends that laugh with me, I, eharmony.com, am happy. 

I have decided I do not need to you to reinforce time and again that I don't want to be with a loner, a gamer, a nerd, a thirty thousand dollar millionaire, nor even a millionaire.  I don't need to be reminded that "it just wasn't going to work" from these same men.  There is no worth trying with more and more people who aren't right for me.  I have decided that in all this effort, in this time I have spent agonizing over what outfit I should wear on a first date while trying to remember if I wore it on a bad date previously, because yes, I'm convinced clothes have an aura, it just wasn't worth it.  See with clothes, as with men, if it was bad once, well, it will be bad again.  For example, my car got hit one night when I was wearing a new shirt, but I wasn't in the car. The next time I wore the shirt I was driving a friend's car and I got arrested.  Do you think I wasted my time in throwing said shirt away?  No.  Shoes, however, are a different story.  There is no karma with shoes, you know how you feel in shoes, you risk your own fate if you know they hurt and your feet swell up like sausages every time you wear them, that's your own fault, no need to toss them.

I digress, eharmony, it is time we say our goodbyes.  I'm not going without one last try, tomorrow night will be my last eharmony drink date with a fellow who's name is only initials.  I can't wait to see what this has to offer me.  As I sat there alone on my couch last Saturday night watching P.S. I Love You and crying at the mere thought of that movie, I became frighteningly aware of my surroundings; the place where I am in my life is purely my choice. I plan to move forward in my life making choices of who I am matched up with, who I choose to share this life with. So what if I was alone on a Saturday watching the most depressing movie since Old Yellar (which by the way I haven't even seen because of the stories I have heard), I was happy.  This is my life.  Bring on 31 years of age, bring on some stupid mistakes, bring on the travel and bring on the laughter, because this is my life and I choose to live it how I want.

So for that, eharmony.com, It's not me, it is you that has messed up this relationship.  So I say we take some time apart, think about where things went wrong and then maybe, just maybe, we will give it a shot, another day.  But for now, PS.: I don't love you.

-H

PS: Any readers out there, I will continue to update on the shenanigans known as my life...just may not include any inter-web matches! :)

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So last week I went on an eharm first date.  Genuinely nice guy, well I mean, his psycho side did not come out on the first date.  He seemed a little shy and intimidated.  He was a young 29, but a bit of an old soul.  He lived not too far from Houston, but most certainly what could be considered a suburb's suburb.  He made the trip all the way into town just for little ol' me.  I had a nice time, nothing really worth writing home about, but he seemed kind and like he had potential to be fun, he was just hiding it at that point.  I mean a guy who tells me one of the 5 most random facts about him is that he likes to put popcorn in his mouth and then have a sip of wine and feel it dissolve clearly has "Wild-Man" Tattooed somewhere on his body, right?  When the date ended at 10:45 he said that he would like to call me again to go out another time.  I agreed that would be a fine idea.  

After one full week and no word from him, just seeing that he continuously would look at my profile on eharmony day after day (I'm assuming he doesn't realize his name shows up each day that he checks it out) I assumed, without heartbreak, that I wouldn't be hearing from him again.  He'd sized up the situation between us: he likes living in a suburb's suburb, I love living the in the city; I have no intention of staying home from work as a mom and clearly his traditional upbringing of mom at home and dinner on the table at 6 (my dinners would consist of everyone can heat up whichever type of lean cuisine they desire whenever they desire) that this would not be a perfect match. SO, instead of letting this no-chance of a future relationship die a peaceful death, he decides that at 11:30 on a Saturday night he would send me an email that read: "Hey, I did make it home okay. (did I mention I sent him an email the day after saying, thanks for driving all the way out, hope you made it home okay. If i wasn't such a veteran at these first dates straight to the crap pile, I may have worried that something had happened to him, but I knew better). [he continued] I just wanted to let you know that I will not be interested in a second date.  It was nice getting to know you some. -Ben".  Umm, so many things wrong with this. A. Okay, yes, it is nice he didn't leave me in the lurch, but I wasn't actually left there crying, I did go on another date with another guy 3 days after he and I went out.  2.  Not interested in a second date is so "there it is".  I am wondering why it took him so long to construct this 3 sentence email. and Finally. Nice to get to know you some??  First off that is a grammatically incorrect sentence that can be read 2 different ways. The first being, I didn't learn much about you, but the little I did was nice. ORRRR, it was nice to get to know some of you, but I'm not really a fan of all of you.  Take it as you will.  Yes, that is an entrance into the female psyche.

So my question on the brain this week is whether I should stay on this inevitably downhill coaster called eharmony.com and keep regaling you all with stories of these fellas, or should I cut my losses and take a break from the scene altogether?  I mean, it has been fun, but I feel as though this investment is starting to be a bit like renting a house, it is just a sinking money trap.  What do you think I should do?  Thoughts??

Finally, should I get my mother to set a website up like this mom did for her son?  My mother was telling me all about it this morning after watching it on the Today show...if she wasn't so computer un-savvy, I might be worried!