I'm only human...with lots of hormones

So I haven't written in a while because I've felt a bit uninspired. Who would've thunk that giving up the crutch eharmony was in my life would make me question if my life actually was funny??  I have been looking for funny things to happen, though they have, I haven't been quite sure how to reiterate them in the blog.  Really, I've just hit bloggers' block.  Until earlier last week... basically it awakened this uninspired soul.

See I have been a bit overwhelmed at work lately and by overwhelmed I mean overworked and by overworked I mean on most nights, overserved.  So I had a meeting with my boss. He called me in to discuss the upcoming fiscal year. Unfortunately, I asked the wrong questions.

I received, as a response, "This is really starting to piss me off".  Let me tell you what...I am 1st and foremost a woman, secondly a human and lastly behind sister, daughter, friend, dog walker, dancer and drunk...an executive.  As a woman, a human, a sister, daughter, friend, dog walker and drunk, I wanted to burst into tears.  As an executive, I dug my nails into my hands and fought back the floodgates.  I realized that up until this point, I was exhausted.  I did everything I possibly could to change the direction of the conversation, to move past this awkward cracking voice I had and noticeably large red splotches on my neck and cheeks so that I could divert his attention from this awkward moment.  But he wouldn't let the conversation stray and when he barked out "What's wrong? Are you going to cry?" Well basically, he did it to himself.  I started sobbing like a 6 year old who wanted a pony, I couldn't utter a sentence because of the hyperventilating that was keeping the tears company.  It was all in all, not my finest moment.

So after some soul searching, margaritas, laughter with friends, and some yoga I have come to a new realization: I am only human, I have an abnormal amount of hormones when I'm exhausted, overworked, underpaid, overwhelmed and on most nights, overserved, and I can be highly emotional.  Take that world...I have feelings, I will cry, I will not ask for help when I could use it, I will complain about things I commit myself too only to agonize over the guilt of not doing it instead, I will laugh at inappropriate moments, I will depend on my friends to get me drunk and listen to me rant, I will explain myself to anyone but the person who upset me and I will eventually get over it. 

I am a woman, I have hormones, I reached the point of no return in an inappropriate setting, but I do believe the inspiration has arrived again...stay tuned. I'm keeping my eye out for more humor...

"It's not too late"

This was the statement I got from a woman I was sitting next to getting my nails done on Saturday when she asked if I had any kids.  I said, "Nope, I have a dog" and smiled and she said "Well, it's not too late".  SERIOUSLY?  Did I ask her with my eyes, do you think I still have a chance?  Did I somehow give off a sign to her that my biological clock was slowly dying? No, I was simply enjoying my pedicure and neck massage and then all of a sudden I was a spinster on her way to a life of cats and crocheting.

Let's keep in mind this woman was the mother of 6 ranging in ages from 13 to 5 and she herself was rounding the corner to 50. She was right, if I was on her schedule of creating my own soccer team, it was Not too late.  But when she offered for me, a perfect stranger, to watch her kids in case I "needed a reassurance of birth control" I thought why is she telling me it's not too late?  She's trying to pawn her offspring to someone that all she knows has perfectly pedicured feet!

I seem to hear some version of this phrase a lot when I am asked if I am married or I have kids.  "Oh, it's not too late" or "well, I bet you have a great career" or "I have a feeling he is around the corner" and my favorite "this is your year to find someone!".  Now these are actually encouraging words to hear when you are down and out and needing a little good relationship mojo, but when you get these phrases from your waxer, your nail salon chair neighbor or  worst, your mother's friends, then it just falls short of hope.  Who decided it was the right of the betrothed to bring the relationship void elephant into the room and drop it on its proverbial head?  I do like to have some pick me ups and my nearest and dearest know just the right things to say at the right time, but the strangers, the ones my relationship only goes as far as the randomness of running into them, it is those people who amaze me at their brazen judgments.

I don't mind being single, because I love living my life so much.  I know I'm not the only one who gets this type of reaction, just last night I saw my single life on the big screen in Eat, Pray, Love (my single life, as in the comments about needing to give reasons about why I am still single - not the writer traveling all over the world life...I'm not that delusional!).  However, I do have some advise for those of you who are single and at all questioning your calling or even those of you in relationships. I suggest not seeing Eat, Pray, Love because inevitably you will do as I have done and spent the better part of your night researching ways to start over and still live comfortably. Seriously, I want to give up all that is stable and good and normal because I'm ready to take the plunge!  Unfortunately, I have to have a realistic savings plan first, not all of us get a book deal to travel the world!  Son of a bitch!  So, my plan now is to get yoga certified and travel the world teaching, finding my spiritual zen leader on my journey and then find myself making out with Jarvier Bardem on a beach.  Yes, Jarvier will be there and it will be A-MAZING! I am now saying to myself "It's not too late" to take this journey into self discovery (well, once I have the funds to support it)!

So to you, chatty woman with the large brood, thank you for reassuring me it is not too late to continue enjoying my life just as it is and hell, even making plans to take a chance on a journey as well - eventually!  And to you my friends who are contemplating your next step in life, I say just keeping going forward and don't be nervous about what may or may not come to you, because the fun part is in the journey itself! Namaste!

Addendum

Okay, for those of you who think I literally die a little inside when my friends get into relationships...it was meant to be a joke.  I love that my friends find someone to share their lives with...

Just friends?

So lately I have had the conundrum of realizing my single friends are really starting to disappear.  In fact when each single friend meets someone who they could potentially get into a relationship with, yes I do say how excited I am for them, but let's be honest here, a little part of me dies inside.  I mean, how can they continue to leave me in this boxing ring alone while they are on their way to getting an actual ring?

Recently I met a fellow who's company I thoroughly enjoyed.  He was unattached, well, he wasn't in a serious relationship and I had my eye on a certain hunky tennis coach at the time.  It was refreshing to have a platonic few nights in Colorado with a fellow who I was certain would be my next new best friend.  You know what happens when you leave vacation?  REALITY!  Seriously, like a slap with a ice cold piece of meat on the face, it is a harsh reality.  Life isn't all tandem bikes and drinks during the day and laughter all night.  Reality is this 8 - 6 job, in bed by 10, drinks only one night a week and daily exercise to burn off the vacation weight gain.  Reality is coming home and having luggage in your room that you have to unpack, it is there to remind you that you have have to do your own laundry.  Reality is walking the dog, feeding the dog, eating lean cuisines, not ordering room service.  Reality is also finding out the new best friend you made while on vacation is actually not your best friend.

How do you ask out a friend? How do you say to someone you laughed wholeheartedly with at the most asinine comments for 3 days that you want to grab a drink with them in a platonic way? Think about it...get on facebook, find someone of the opposite sex that you recently met and enjoyed being their friend and send them this message "Hey, you want to grab a drink sometime?" Wait...that implies date.  "Hey, Friend, good pal, feel like getting wasted?" Wait...that implies needing someone to comfort me in a drunken stupor. "Hey there, haven't seen you in a while, feel like catching up, not that we have anything to catch up on, really, but you know exchanging pleasantries and possibly tossing one back" Wait, that sounds like you are really hurting for a friend and no idea how to have one.  How about "Hey, i know you are seeing someone, so don't take this the wrong way" I'm just going to stop, we can all see where that will lead. 

So how do single girls and single guys make friends with one another in our 30s without the other person thinking they are hitting on them?  I mean, let's be frank, I do realize that men and women can't exactly be the best of friends and there will always be some sort of tension between them, but can there be an attempt?  I have no idea how to move forward on being friends with a straight single man.  The gays, I've got no problem and I love that, I do not discount my gay men friends, they are my heart.  But here I sit agonizing over how to have a guy friend that is single, when we all know if he was interested in me as a friend I would have heard from him by now, so shouldn't I cut my losses?  I'm no fool, I don't look at the obvious, the obvious is a son of a bitch.  I don't cut my losses, I over-analyze and I blog about it.

So here's to reality, here's to the luggage, the lean cuisines, the dog and the 8 - 6.  If it weren't reality, I would have no place to take my mind to on vacation, physically and mentally.  Mental vacation is the best, I've made friends, gotten married, had an affair with Bradley Cooper, moved to an island, had a driver and most importantly, I've known the right thing to say to everyone without sounding like a total bumbling idiot!

Opinionssssss.......

I ask for opinions, I seek opinions even without asking for opinions, I want people to know my story and give me their opinion, but there is a catch.  I only want your opinion if it is in my favor.  If I tell you a story regarding my latest tryste or rendezvous with a certain hunky tennis coach, I want you to be jealous.  If I tell you the story about our second date and then his sudden call back to where he lives, I need you to reassure me his excuse is legit, in fact, I want you to research it and prove it to me.  However, if your opinion on said situation is of utter disappointment, if it is the truth that speaks "he's just not that into you" "maybe you shouldn't have been so available" "you probably should have said something like this..." then I don't want to hear it, in fact, I didn't ask for it, if you look back on our conversation, I only made statements, no question mark was used. I simply told you a story and that was it.  Tricky.

You see, this is how I handle all my stories.  If I'm trying to make you laugh I expect you to choke a little on your wine from laughter.  If I'm telling you a story about a bad day at work, I expect you to be on my side and empathize with me.  If I tell you the hundredth story about a guy not being interested in me, I fully expect a "he's totally into you, he's just a player, a jerk and obsessed with his career".  

Okay, there is another catch.  I do want to hear the truth, because the faster I hear it, the quicker I can accept it, but the truth must be told with delicacy.  If you choose to think the dress I am wearing is better suited for a 19 year old or perhaps even someone 25 lbs lighter, I don't want to hear "you are too old for that dress" or "well how's weight watchers going?".  I want to hear "you look so young in that dress, it almost doesn't reflect the respectable woman you are" or "I think that dress is made funny, it doesn't look right, in fact, it looked off on the hanger".  As a recent example I purchased a beautiful dress for a wedding because the weight watchers effect didn't work for the original intended attire.  After looking at pictures and finding that my size D's were busting out the top and my yet to be highly defined triceps flapping during my wedding dance, I was somewhat embarrassed. I mean it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't amazing either.  When I pointed it out to a friend after the fact I said to her "dear God, i really shouldn't have worn that dress, i looked ridiculous" and she responded with "no, i thought the dress was beautiful".  Beautifully put, beautiful dress, woman inside the dress another sweaty story! :)

Friends, strangers, near and far, these are my thoughts, but I'm fairly certain there are quite a few women out there who feel the exact same way.  The long of the short of it is, my therapist tells me to stop telling everyone my stories but what she doesn't understand is that I am making an army of supporters by telling them.  Without an army of support better known as my friends, new or old, how in the hell could a girl get through a "something came up" scenario or worse a saddle-bagged ass squeezed through a silk sleeveless dress in the junior section?

I want opinions, I just want the right ones and I'm lucky enough to have an army who gets it! Soldier on friends, you are doing something right, I'm happy still!