Stay patient

Some exciting new developments and changes to be announced soon...the blog may only get juicier.

In the mean time, have a chuckle. It has been one year since this now infamous money, liar and liquor thief came into my life and out and has been a steady flow of jokes between my family and friends for the past year. Randomly he popped into my dream, err shall I say nightmare, last night and I thought I would remind you of him to have a chuckle at my or his expense, however you choose to see it. One whole year and not much has changed...yet.

Stay tuned!

My rehearsal dinner

Last night I had the best night's sleep I've had in months. Literally, months. Work has been overwhelming, I've been exhausted, and I've been going to hard too fast. I started a detox last monday to shed 10lbs that have ravaged my body in the past 3 years (4 in the last month) and if I don't lose them now, then they will only keep adding. I have been wearing the same clothes to work, just different ensembles, for 2 months now to avoid the clothes that make my stomach feel uncomfortable. I'm 5'5'' and I was weighing 144.3lbs., this isn't obese, but it isn't where I want to be either. I made the decision to knock that down to 135 before the holidays...in other words, before I can afford to pack it back on with cakes, cookies, stuffing, cheese, alcohol, more cheese and perhaps an excessive amount of wine and um, perhaps a celery stalk with peanut butter, you know, for the health. So last night, exhausted from only eating greens, rice and vegetables for 10 days (okay, I've snuck in some coconut dairy free ice cream, but who are we kidding), and having now lost 3.3 lbs, I could barely hold my eyes open. 

Last night I went to sleep and I went hard. For the 3rd time in the past 3 months I dreamed about my rehearsal dinner. Is she engaged? You may be asking. No. Is she actually dating someone seriously? You may now wonder. Absolutely not. But I keep having these dreams about the one night where people will have the liberty to stand up in front of my friends and family and my future husband and tell stories about our lives together, mistakes I have made and most importantly, how much we mean to each other and how right for me my future husband is. Is she a complete narcissist? Not completely, but I have thought about that night a lot. Having been a bridesmaid 17 times and given 17 rehearsal dinner speeches, I have wondered, what would they say about me at mine? Now I am dreaming about it. I think it has to do with the fact that I've been a bit distant from my friends lately due to work and now due to the devil in detox. I miss my friends, so I'm channeling what they are saying about me in my dreams. 

And here is the gist of it. One of my friend's husbands got on the phone with his friend and I overheard him saying "this is really boring". I proceeded to ask him to leave my rehearsal dinner. I'm ballsy in my dreams. Another one of my friend's husbands stood up to give a speech, a husband I don't know well, but who I do find hilarious, and he wrote a song for me and started to sing, errr, rap it. Why my friend's husbands made the dream, or rather, made speeches, I'll never know, but I appreciated it. Just as two of my best friends in the world stood up to walk to the mic to say what they needed to say, the anticipation was building up in me, and I couldn't wait to let the tears fall...beepbeepbeepbeepbeep....the alarm goes off. I tried everything I could to go back to that beautiful outdoor setting and listen to what they had to say, but I couldn't. I had to get up and go to yoga. 

I live 5 minutes from my yoga studio, 2 minute drive or 5 minute bike ride. At 5:30 in the morning, I drive. Of the 3 lights between my house and yoga, I caught them each on red. I showed up at 5:31 and the door was locked. I think my unconscious is telling me something. Pay closer attention to those I love, get my ass out of bed when the alarm goes off, and I really need to get my friend's husband a rap recording contract, he has a future.

To those I love and those I have been distant from, blame the work, blame the detox, just don't blame me. I've fallen victim, but I'll be back, soon, real, real soon and hopefully, with some fun and exciting stories to share too!!

I've run the gamut

I haven't posted in a while, because I didn't think I had too much to report. Turns out, in fact, I do have some news to share...

Apparently, I have run the gamut of the dating scene in Houston. A month ago I had a conference for work. After the first night I went with some clients to have a drink. I was ever so confused when one of the clients who's wedding ring was actually larger than normal, invited himself back to my house for a nightcap. I was so confused on his "invitation" that I thought I clearly must have mistaken it for that of a bored and drunk engineer just wanting to continue to party. I politely and nervously declined. I wasn't sure if I was being hit on or not (I'm not exactly hit on frequently). I made up some excuse about having tomatoes stuck in my sink and I couldn't let people to my house for the first time with a dirty sink. If you knew me, you would know that A., that's true, I have been known to have a dirty sink. But B., If I was actually interested, I would have made it work. The following day at the conference he walked up and made a comment about it again and said "you just didn't want me to come over because I am married. That shouldn't matter" I thought, is this guy for real? I was so confused, so flustered, a little pissed and sadly, flattered. I admire my friends, sisters and parent's marriages too much to entertain that idea. I am not that girl. I am many things, but I'm not someone who can fling around with someone married. Steal from me? Sure. Lie about your age? I'll entertain it. Have kids? I can consider it. Have a wife? Absolutely not. I can take many things, but just to be clear, he lives in the suburbs. I told you something about the suburbs wasn't a right fit for me.

So on to the next one. I accidentally replied all to an email I received from a contact recently. The email he sent to me was to over 100 people. Whoops. But it actually gets worse. Next thing I know, I get a text message from a number I didn't recognize saying I had just sent him an email and wishing me well.  Come to find out it was the chap I went out with three months ago who, while we were about to plan our fourth date, informed me he was seeing someone else. Note to self, double check the To: line before hitting send on an email.

And then finally, I went to a bar recently to meet up with a group of friends. For the first time EVER, I was the first person to show up. I get flustered when I'm looking for people. I walked up to the bar to ask about the private party when the girl with braces in front of me said "hey baby, what do you want to drink?". Side note: One of my pet peeves is being called baby by strangers. Being from Texas you don't know if it is a come-on or condescending or just plain obnoxious. I politely declined but she was ordering hers and I thought since the bartender was there she was offering for me to tell him what I wanted. The girl went to pay for my drink, I asked her not to, I started to feel really awkward, she then said "if you are a good person, you will buy me one later". Great, now I have gotten unsolicited guilt from a lesbian pick up line. Then she asked me where I was from, damn near asked me for my exact address. When two of my friends walked up, Thank God, in just the nick of time and I waived to them to show them where I was, she said "you don't waive to them. you wait for them to come to you." Strange girl with braces is now telling me how to respond to people. She then said to them "She and I are having a conversation right now and getting to know each other. She can talk to you in a minute." Oh for Christ's sake. Now I have to endure this drunk lesbian's conversation even longer? Eventually, I walked away. I'm flattered she drunkenly picked me out of the crowd and good on her to be out and proud. But at the end of the day, hell, start of the day, middle of the day, and middle of the night, I am a woman, who likes men, single, unattached, UN-baggaged and available, men.

So I realized, I must have run the gamut in Houston. In the span of 2 weeks (with a good month hiatus from dating) I got hit on by a married man, accidentally emailed an old fling and was harassed by a lesbian. What are the odds? I'm not sure if Houston is where my mate is anymore...territory may just need to expand, but I am sticking to the no suburbs still. :)

I threw the chips away

Being 32 years old has its perks, I can be comfortable staying in on a Saturday night and I can really, without hesitation, look at where I am in my life and be happy. I am in such a good place. I'm blessed with great family and great friends, a few nights in and seldom nights out, I'm healthy, happy and well...recently, bored. So I called up one of my best friends in the world last week and mentioned I needed a girls night out. Not just a let's go to dinner and grab a glass of vino, I mean, I want to get gussied up (I'm from Texas, deal with the word), I wanted to drink too much and I wanted to stay out late. She is a mother of 2 kids under the age of 2, she was ALL for it! We were psyched, we got a babysitter, called up another one of our best friends to join in on the debauchery and she too was game to play.

This past Saturday night we went out on the town! We got all gussied up, I even wore fake eyelashes that until I started drinking made me want to pluck my eyes out. Those things are not comfortable! We went to a great restaurant where I decided to not clean my plates of three courses because as I kept reminding my friends, I was wearing two tank tops and a sequined skirt my mother referred to as "you should charge $50 an hour in that thing". Supporting. My mother tends to only like me in clothes that come from Talbot's...Talbot's doesn't work for "Gussie". Anyway, as the night went on and the drinks began to flow my memory starts to fade. 

We went to a few bars, we danced with strangers and was compared to being a cougar by others. At 32 I am no cougar, but the 22 year old who had offered to buy me a drink...clearly I was. I remember him showing me his ID, I had never seen 1989 on a drivers silence before. It was weird looking.

We jumped in a cab at 2 to go relieve the babysitter and some guy got in the front seat as he was going in our direction. He paid for our cab, we paid for the babysitter. Only after I realized I had lost my keys. If there is one thing I pride myself on is that I have never been that person to lose something when I go out. I am mystified by the loss. What is also a bit unsettling, is throughout the evening we took pictures and got some good memories, albeit a few are hazy. However, I thought we needed a memento as well. So, at bar #2, there were two serving dishes, one with peanuts and one with chips. I proceeded to toss the chips and the peanuts onto the floor, stuff the two bowls into my clutch, yes clutch, and run out of the bar and out to the car. I believe this is probably where said keys were lost in the commotion. Which means, I clearly cannot go retrieve them. I'm a fugitive.

I woke up yesterday feeling like a truck ran me over, I threw up to try to feel better, I didn't. I didn't eat until 5:15 last night. I was once again reminded, I'm not in my 20s. I'm good for at least another 8 months before that comes around again. The person who invented shots should actually be shot. Because it is that person I blame for losing my keys, dressing like a $50/hour lady of the night and for taking my money. But it was all my friends and I who made it hilarious and worth the Sunday morning, day, afternoon and night pain. To the young 22 year olds who bought us our drinks and danced with us on the dance floor,  you too are welcome, for you also have some good stories to share. And to the 3 Aholes who stole our cab while we were trying to get home to the babysitter, I stick to my word, "you really are 3 douche-bags".

I'd fill you in on more, but as I said, it gets a bit hazy.  I enjoyed the night off from reality, bills, work, yoga and responsibility, I enjoyed turning back time 10 years, It's the turning it back to the present that blows...!

It's True, I Judge

My name is, PluralofMe, and I am judgmental. I'm picky, I'm curious, I'll tear someone apart to find their faults that will ease the blow of rejection later on down the road. There, I said it. I have been honest with you, which means now you know about me and I can continue on my rants.

I most recently turned 32 years old. The realization for me is I am now only 8 years away from 40! More importantly, however, I'm only 6 years away from my official scary age, 38. Why is this my scary age, you may ask. Well, when I was 25, I met someone whom I thought had it all, except for a relationship and every time I saw her, she cried. She was devastated to be 38 and single. Now, if I am still single at 38 and this blog has reached historical heights, then I am totally fine with that. However, if I have reached 38, I am still single and I am sad...well, that frightens the hell out of me. So I have made a promise to myself, I'm not going to settle. I'm not going to bust my ass to be in a relationship with just anyone because I can't imagine anything worse than being in a relationship and unhappy. I am so happy now, I'm enjoying my life, having a blast on bad dates and good, meeting men worthy of a conversation and some a bit more and others even less. Most importantly, I have surrounded myself with people who support my indiscretions and my dry sense of sarcasm. So...therefore I will continue to scrutinize, pick apart, judge and make fun of the men that come into and out of my life, for they are truly life's unintentional humor for so many of us.

As of late, my dating life has taken a bit of a hiatus. I was so excited about meeting up with a guy a few weeks ago who I was having a great dialogue with via text messages and the phone, and who I thought was so cute on his eharmony.com profile. He gave me fodder to walk away before meeting him when in a text a few hours before we met he informed me he had a goatee (which was growing in multicolored) and that he was really into the band Vertical Horizon. Goatees aren't bad, but I have just never been particularly attracted to men who have them. I prefer go all in or go without. This attempt to grow hair in a certain formation on your face, but keeping your cheeks free of facial fur just doesn't work for me personally. And Vertical Horizon people? Well, I was just waiting for him to tell me that he followed Nickelback too. But, I enjoyed our exchanges so much that I put it aside, well, let's be honest, I put it in my back pocket for later usage. We had a nice time, not off the charts, but it was good. Then I got a text every girl dreams of the following evening which read:

"I just want to be honest. I didn't feel a romantic connection". OUCH! Whatever, he had a goatee and liked cheesy bands. Over it.

I left town for a while, work trips and family vacations to follow. So I paused the online dating site from new match ups and just dealt with what was already there. I started texting with a guy who seemed pretty funny. He started throwing out "my girl" "baby" "sweetheart" fairly soon, considering we haven't met in person. But, I thought he was kidding. Then he threw in the ringer via text this past friday night which read:

"I've been living on credit for the past 2 years."

Seriously? What the hell? Yes, I judge. He's a 37 year old man who is choosing to live on credit. He has passion for a case he has been working on, good for him, but I just can't bring myself to find this to be okay. It is people like this that are affecting my taxes. Right? I then realized, like a lightening bolt, his "baby" "my girl" and "sweetheart's" were not a joke, he's from Southern Louisiana. He is the same guy, in a different body, that I went out with in October that sweet-talked his way into my liquor cabinet and my wallet.

I have another letter in to eharmony, "Dearest Matchers of Eharmony.com, WTF? Do I want someone to make me laugh? Yes. Do I want someone to be rich? No. Do I want someone to be financially responsible? Um, absolutely. There is a difference. Figure it out. Signed, Over It."