I've run the gamut

I haven't posted in a while, because I didn't think I had too much to report. Turns out, in fact, I do have some news to share...

Apparently, I have run the gamut of the dating scene in Houston. A month ago I had a conference for work. After the first night I went with some clients to have a drink. I was ever so confused when one of the clients who's wedding ring was actually larger than normal, invited himself back to my house for a nightcap. I was so confused on his "invitation" that I thought I clearly must have mistaken it for that of a bored and drunk engineer just wanting to continue to party. I politely and nervously declined. I wasn't sure if I was being hit on or not (I'm not exactly hit on frequently). I made up some excuse about having tomatoes stuck in my sink and I couldn't let people to my house for the first time with a dirty sink. If you knew me, you would know that A., that's true, I have been known to have a dirty sink. But B., If I was actually interested, I would have made it work. The following day at the conference he walked up and made a comment about it again and said "you just didn't want me to come over because I am married. That shouldn't matter" I thought, is this guy for real? I was so confused, so flustered, a little pissed and sadly, flattered. I admire my friends, sisters and parent's marriages too much to entertain that idea. I am not that girl. I am many things, but I'm not someone who can fling around with someone married. Steal from me? Sure. Lie about your age? I'll entertain it. Have kids? I can consider it. Have a wife? Absolutely not. I can take many things, but just to be clear, he lives in the suburbs. I told you something about the suburbs wasn't a right fit for me.

So on to the next one. I accidentally replied all to an email I received from a contact recently. The email he sent to me was to over 100 people. Whoops. But it actually gets worse. Next thing I know, I get a text message from a number I didn't recognize saying I had just sent him an email and wishing me well.  Come to find out it was the chap I went out with three months ago who, while we were about to plan our fourth date, informed me he was seeing someone else. Note to self, double check the To: line before hitting send on an email.

And then finally, I went to a bar recently to meet up with a group of friends. For the first time EVER, I was the first person to show up. I get flustered when I'm looking for people. I walked up to the bar to ask about the private party when the girl with braces in front of me said "hey baby, what do you want to drink?". Side note: One of my pet peeves is being called baby by strangers. Being from Texas you don't know if it is a come-on or condescending or just plain obnoxious. I politely declined but she was ordering hers and I thought since the bartender was there she was offering for me to tell him what I wanted. The girl went to pay for my drink, I asked her not to, I started to feel really awkward, she then said "if you are a good person, you will buy me one later". Great, now I have gotten unsolicited guilt from a lesbian pick up line. Then she asked me where I was from, damn near asked me for my exact address. When two of my friends walked up, Thank God, in just the nick of time and I waived to them to show them where I was, she said "you don't waive to them. you wait for them to come to you." Strange girl with braces is now telling me how to respond to people. She then said to them "She and I are having a conversation right now and getting to know each other. She can talk to you in a minute." Oh for Christ's sake. Now I have to endure this drunk lesbian's conversation even longer? Eventually, I walked away. I'm flattered she drunkenly picked me out of the crowd and good on her to be out and proud. But at the end of the day, hell, start of the day, middle of the day, and middle of the night, I am a woman, who likes men, single, unattached, UN-baggaged and available, men.

So I realized, I must have run the gamut in Houston. In the span of 2 weeks (with a good month hiatus from dating) I got hit on by a married man, accidentally emailed an old fling and was harassed by a lesbian. What are the odds? I'm not sure if Houston is where my mate is anymore...territory may just need to expand, but I am sticking to the no suburbs still. :)

I threw the chips away

Being 32 years old has its perks, I can be comfortable staying in on a Saturday night and I can really, without hesitation, look at where I am in my life and be happy. I am in such a good place. I'm blessed with great family and great friends, a few nights in and seldom nights out, I'm healthy, happy and well...recently, bored. So I called up one of my best friends in the world last week and mentioned I needed a girls night out. Not just a let's go to dinner and grab a glass of vino, I mean, I want to get gussied up (I'm from Texas, deal with the word), I wanted to drink too much and I wanted to stay out late. She is a mother of 2 kids under the age of 2, she was ALL for it! We were psyched, we got a babysitter, called up another one of our best friends to join in on the debauchery and she too was game to play.

This past Saturday night we went out on the town! We got all gussied up, I even wore fake eyelashes that until I started drinking made me want to pluck my eyes out. Those things are not comfortable! We went to a great restaurant where I decided to not clean my plates of three courses because as I kept reminding my friends, I was wearing two tank tops and a sequined skirt my mother referred to as "you should charge $50 an hour in that thing". Supporting. My mother tends to only like me in clothes that come from Talbot's...Talbot's doesn't work for "Gussie". Anyway, as the night went on and the drinks began to flow my memory starts to fade. 

We went to a few bars, we danced with strangers and was compared to being a cougar by others. At 32 I am no cougar, but the 22 year old who had offered to buy me a drink...clearly I was. I remember him showing me his ID, I had never seen 1989 on a drivers silence before. It was weird looking.

We jumped in a cab at 2 to go relieve the babysitter and some guy got in the front seat as he was going in our direction. He paid for our cab, we paid for the babysitter. Only after I realized I had lost my keys. If there is one thing I pride myself on is that I have never been that person to lose something when I go out. I am mystified by the loss. What is also a bit unsettling, is throughout the evening we took pictures and got some good memories, albeit a few are hazy. However, I thought we needed a memento as well. So, at bar #2, there were two serving dishes, one with peanuts and one with chips. I proceeded to toss the chips and the peanuts onto the floor, stuff the two bowls into my clutch, yes clutch, and run out of the bar and out to the car. I believe this is probably where said keys were lost in the commotion. Which means, I clearly cannot go retrieve them. I'm a fugitive.

I woke up yesterday feeling like a truck ran me over, I threw up to try to feel better, I didn't. I didn't eat until 5:15 last night. I was once again reminded, I'm not in my 20s. I'm good for at least another 8 months before that comes around again. The person who invented shots should actually be shot. Because it is that person I blame for losing my keys, dressing like a $50/hour lady of the night and for taking my money. But it was all my friends and I who made it hilarious and worth the Sunday morning, day, afternoon and night pain. To the young 22 year olds who bought us our drinks and danced with us on the dance floor,  you too are welcome, for you also have some good stories to share. And to the 3 Aholes who stole our cab while we were trying to get home to the babysitter, I stick to my word, "you really are 3 douche-bags".

I'd fill you in on more, but as I said, it gets a bit hazy.  I enjoyed the night off from reality, bills, work, yoga and responsibility, I enjoyed turning back time 10 years, It's the turning it back to the present that blows...!

It's True, I Judge

My name is, PluralofMe, and I am judgmental. I'm picky, I'm curious, I'll tear someone apart to find their faults that will ease the blow of rejection later on down the road. There, I said it. I have been honest with you, which means now you know about me and I can continue on my rants.

I most recently turned 32 years old. The realization for me is I am now only 8 years away from 40! More importantly, however, I'm only 6 years away from my official scary age, 38. Why is this my scary age, you may ask. Well, when I was 25, I met someone whom I thought had it all, except for a relationship and every time I saw her, she cried. She was devastated to be 38 and single. Now, if I am still single at 38 and this blog has reached historical heights, then I am totally fine with that. However, if I have reached 38, I am still single and I am sad...well, that frightens the hell out of me. So I have made a promise to myself, I'm not going to settle. I'm not going to bust my ass to be in a relationship with just anyone because I can't imagine anything worse than being in a relationship and unhappy. I am so happy now, I'm enjoying my life, having a blast on bad dates and good, meeting men worthy of a conversation and some a bit more and others even less. Most importantly, I have surrounded myself with people who support my indiscretions and my dry sense of sarcasm. So...therefore I will continue to scrutinize, pick apart, judge and make fun of the men that come into and out of my life, for they are truly life's unintentional humor for so many of us.

As of late, my dating life has taken a bit of a hiatus. I was so excited about meeting up with a guy a few weeks ago who I was having a great dialogue with via text messages and the phone, and who I thought was so cute on his eharmony.com profile. He gave me fodder to walk away before meeting him when in a text a few hours before we met he informed me he had a goatee (which was growing in multicolored) and that he was really into the band Vertical Horizon. Goatees aren't bad, but I have just never been particularly attracted to men who have them. I prefer go all in or go without. This attempt to grow hair in a certain formation on your face, but keeping your cheeks free of facial fur just doesn't work for me personally. And Vertical Horizon people? Well, I was just waiting for him to tell me that he followed Nickelback too. But, I enjoyed our exchanges so much that I put it aside, well, let's be honest, I put it in my back pocket for later usage. We had a nice time, not off the charts, but it was good. Then I got a text every girl dreams of the following evening which read:

"I just want to be honest. I didn't feel a romantic connection". OUCH! Whatever, he had a goatee and liked cheesy bands. Over it.

I left town for a while, work trips and family vacations to follow. So I paused the online dating site from new match ups and just dealt with what was already there. I started texting with a guy who seemed pretty funny. He started throwing out "my girl" "baby" "sweetheart" fairly soon, considering we haven't met in person. But, I thought he was kidding. Then he threw in the ringer via text this past friday night which read:

"I've been living on credit for the past 2 years."

Seriously? What the hell? Yes, I judge. He's a 37 year old man who is choosing to live on credit. He has passion for a case he has been working on, good for him, but I just can't bring myself to find this to be okay. It is people like this that are affecting my taxes. Right? I then realized, like a lightening bolt, his "baby" "my girl" and "sweetheart's" were not a joke, he's from Southern Louisiana. He is the same guy, in a different body, that I went out with in October that sweet-talked his way into my liquor cabinet and my wallet.

I have another letter in to eharmony, "Dearest Matchers of Eharmony.com, WTF? Do I want someone to make me laugh? Yes. Do I want someone to be rich? No. Do I want someone to be financially responsible? Um, absolutely. There is a difference. Figure it out. Signed, Over It."

Back to basics

So all this soft talk has steered me off the true intentions of this blog. Are you interested to hear about the latest in my dating triumphs?

Let's see. The guy I went out with twice who walked his cat on a leash, we never went out again. Because he walked his cat on a leash? No, because we just never spoke again. The 41 year old twice divorced father of two? We had 3 really good dates. We laughed, we ate, we even kissed at the end of the night. After our third date I was leaving for a family vacation, he sent me a text asking me out for when I returned. I returned on Sunday and he called me that night on his way to meet a "buddy" at a bar. He asked me out for that week and we said we would figure our schedules out the following day. The following day was when my world started falling apart when my dog got sick and last words I heard the doctor say that afternoon were "it could be cancer". I had literally lost it that afternoon. The crying was uncontrollable until it finally stopped. When the 41 year old twice divorced father of two called me that night and I answered, his first statement was "it sounds like you are getting sick". I told him a little about what was going on with my dog, I couldn't say that much or I would lose it again and I was desperately trying not only to hold it together but to stay positive as well. After I told him a little bit of my story, I said " you know, we can talk about something a little more cheery" and he said "well, I don't know if this is any more cheery, but I'm seeing someone else." WHAT? A. It is not more cheery and 2. How in all hell is this timing appropriate? Did you know that the last time I was seriously dating someone and hid my bad days as much as I could until finally I just had to break down and tell my boyfriend at the time over the phone how horrible a day I had and when I finished he said, "Um, we need to talk" and we broke up. I mean seriously...This is what blogs and friends are for I guess, no need to dish out the bad to someone I want to date, clearly it doesn't end well for me. :) Anyway, I didn't care, I had other things on my mind. I did respect him for telling me, he didn't need to, but he did. I did question, however, his timing, considering the night before he asked me out again. He said something happened that day that made things more serious. Because most off the wall romantic gestures happen between 9 PM on Sunday night and 7:30 PM on Monday night, right? Bless. He went into many explanations about what he thought of me and blah, blah, blah. It was nice to hear, yes, but I didn't need it. I just wanted to get off the phone and stop pretending that I cared about us not working out and concentrate only on my pup. After I said thank you and wished him well he closed the conversation with "well, I'm sure we will see each other a future industry conferences". Yep, that's exactly what I hope. Bless.

I went out with another 41 year old who is really into country line dancing. He goes to the country bar every Friday night and gets there before his friends so he can get the parking spot he wants. What is it about turning 40 makes you so extremely set in your ways? He likes this spot because it is under a light post so it helps him see when he wants to run out to his car half way through the night to change button down shirts, so he isn't as sweaty. He pays only in cash to avoid the lines and can't stand to watch it when people don't know how to dance, try. He is also the third guy I have gone out with who has also walked his cat on a leash. I swear to God, I really wouldn't want to make that up, it is a sad statistic. He is funny and I have fun with him, but I'm fairly certain the only reason he is still single at 41 and has a cat, is because he in fact, does not yet feel comfortable coming out of the closet. Our romantic paths will not cross again, but I think he would be great to go shopping with sometime! 

On to my last. A friend of mine who I know through work called me last week to tell me she wanted to introduce me to someone. I knew she knew I was single, but I wasn't sure she knew anything about my type. I have since learned, she doesn't. He's nice, I will give him that. He's been divorced 6 years, not a big deal. He has a 13 year old son who's never made a B and is always on the honor roll. Not exactly a turn-on, but he's a proud dad. "Do you have any other children?" I asked, anticipating a no or maybe a younger one. "Yes, I have two daughters. One is 28 and the other is 26. I'm an old fart."  

Yes, sir, you are. Since I have an amazing dad and no "daddy issues", there is no reason to pretend: this just won't happen. I cannot date anyone who has a kid that is closer to my age than he and he is closer to my parent's age than mine. Sorry, I just can't. 

 So as you can tell, luck in love has been void, but I'm not giving up hope. I'm still getting matched up daily and so what if one of them has his profile picture kneeling next to a stuffed cougar wearing sunglasses and another is so proud of his 50s soda pop memorabilia and a boat load from suburbs (still, not Houston)? There are a few Houstonians whose profiles make me laugh, intentionally and their pictures aren't too bad either. Keep on searching....

The Love of My Life

Yes, I met him, in fact, I've known him for nearly 7 years and as of recently I realized he is the perfect male. He is the only constant in my life who will not just let me cry into him, but will actually lick the tears off my face. He is the only male I can get mad at not for not taking out the trash, but getting into it, and he will still love me, sometimes even more. He is the one constant in my life where I wouldn't question paying for anything he needs, because in return he gives me companionship. I'm sure you have guessed by now, but this is my nearly 7 year old lab.

Who can resist this face?

I found him in a time in my life when I was feeling lonely. I had been living in Dallas and alone and with no real dating relationships worth discussing or better yet, even blogging about. My friends in Dallas were all in relationships with their now spouses, I was an outsider, I just didn't really fit in. I was sitting in my grandmother's living room in November of 2004 when my mother and sister returned from their walk and said they found a dog for me. I couldn't believe it, was I ready to make this commitment? One look at his awkwardly trotting self with his jowls pulled back so far it looked like he was laughing as he was coming towards me and I knew, this was a male I could really love.

The rawhide

In all these years, he's only betrayed me once. He met an ex-boyfriend not long after I brought him home and he cozied up to him. I told him he was a traitor, but he just sat down to chew on a rawhide, he wasn't concerned. It isn't the person that affects him, it is the emotion behind their actions. This is something we should all think about sometimes. One time he wasn't a fan of a male suitor who was over, so he hopped up on the couch while I was in the kitchen and the guy was laying back relaxing. My dear sweet pup turned around, made his tail go as high as he could and released, right in his face! I laughed hysterically, the guy chuckled, but he left soon thereafter. Point taken. He'll cozy up to the mailman if he senses kindness in his heart. and He's also stood watch while an AC repairman was in a bathroom, telling me full well he didn't trust that guy, and in turn, neither did I. Unfortunately, he couldn't read the lying drunken thief that well either, but that guy was a pro at being a con (oxymoron in terms).

He loves stuffed animals

Last week he had a health scare. My sweet pup was aching, he groaned, he panted, he refused a treat and when he refused cheese I rushed him to the vet. Show me a lab that refuses cheese and isn't sick, and I'll show you money. After many tests, xrays and ultrasounds it resulted that my sweet boy had severe acute pancreatitis. He spent a week at the vet and in the hospital, fasting and on IV's and pain meds and now is finally home recovering. He struggles with being his usual playful self but when he has noticed the concern on my face, he tries to show courage. He's licked the tears off my face quite a few times in the last week and I have wiped what looked like tears off his. He's not just a dog, he's not just my kid, he's my best friend. If you have an animal, you will understand. It isn't their actions that affect you, it is the way they love you. They only react to what they receive. When he was a puppy and if I left him for too long, he would chew up the boxes my shoes were in, but not the shoes. It was a sort of, 'you see the damage I can do, just see what I'll do if you try it again', type of threat. I loved him for that, he respected the shoes, but knew what he was doing and I understood!

Can't you see the concern he has?

I think 7 years ago he saved me from my depression and from not coming out of it. I had to leave my house multiple times a day when I got him, he had to go outside and not long after he came into my life, but so did some new friends and sunshine and soon, light. It is my turn now to do what I can to save him and I will. I have many more heartbreaks ahead of me from a guy or 6 who will come into my life and out, which means more tears to lick away and a big furry neck to nuzzle in when I need it. Somebody asked me the other day what I thought he would be like if he were human, I thought he's perfect how he is now, this is how he was meant to be.

Now if you have a dog or hell, even a cat you walk on a leash, give them an extra hug tonight. That's ultimately all they want, well, and some cheese.

Also, if you are in the Houston area and looking for a place to donate, I highly recommend Gulf Coast Veterinary Specialists. They are the best, they made him better and have answered everyone of my hysterical calls and they too, let me cry without judgment!