A Project

I've got a project. I didn't know it was going to be a project until my sister and I were texting Wednesday night and she sent me a text that said "Say buh bye to him" and I found myself saying with emphasis, "I'm not ready to sign him off.  I think there is more to his story" and she said "Oh great...cheapy is ur lil project" and then I realized...he is!

Let's call him Cheapy Auditor Missionary Man.  He's shy, real shy, he has long pauses on the phone that would even make my mother uncomfortable (trust me when I tell you, she is the queen of "I'm disappointed in you silences"...so this is huge).  Well, remember back when I said I was going out with him a few weeks ago?  Well, he invited me to meet for a cup coffee...ahem, he only drinks a few times a year...When I got to Starbucks he was waiting.  I ordered a cup of tea, he ordered some sort of white hot chocolate (oh what those non-drinkers can come up with these days is amazing) and when the barista said not once, but twice "That'll be five dollars and forty cents" - I pulled out my cash (shocked by the fact I even had cash) paid for our beverages and Cheapy Auditor Missionary Man didn't flinch for his wallet, I knew this date would be interesting.

Well I did have a pleasant conversation with him.  But after an hour and a half of sipping some sort of terrible Chamomile Green Tea...blegh...I decided to excuse myself.  I said I needed to go to the grocery store.  I realize this is a terrible way to get out of a date, but I honestly needed food at my house.  When he responded with "Good thing grocery stores stay open until midnight" I was thinking to myself "Oh CRAP, he's stalling me leaving", but actually, mine closes at 9 and it was quickly approaching 8:00, so I had to find my way out.  He struggled with a few more questions about I actually don't even remember, I was concentrating so hard on what I needed from the store...wine was definitely at the top of the list.  So I finally excused myself and ended the date that left me short $5.40, but since I didn't think to myself "I'll never get that hour and a half back" and thought he was kind, I decided if he was interested, I would go out with him again.  This would be my project: I was going to bring him out of his shell.

He has called twice now.  The conversations have been awkward, so much struggle and each time he asked me what I had planned for the week.  Well, I'm a girl about town and I have plans sometimes.  He has still yet to ask me out again, so I'm not sure where this is leading to next, but I'm not asking him on a date.  I've already covered the coffee and carried much of the conversation, so I'm making my project to get Cheapy Auditor Missionary Man to come into his own and ask a girl on a date, in person...err, Over the phone.  Shoot, at this point, just to help him with baby steps, I may even say yes to a text!

I'll keep you posted.  Happy Friday!

New Age Dating

Coming from a girl who is trying dating online, I am still very old fashioned when it comes to dates.  I have a few rules for example, from clothing to proper etiquette.

Deal breakers:

1. No Jorts.  Not in your recent history (meaning since you were 10) (unless purchased purely in the interest of Halloween or WT party)

2. No breached visors (this is for my PFLAG ladies).  Unless you are looking through binoculars at a state park...no actually, there is no reason for your hat to be upside down AND backwards.

3. Do not talk to me about your weight and diet issues before we even order.  I have no interest in your chrone's disease, your acid reflux, your poor obese genes nor your excuses for the number of beers you can drink on a weekend because of your intense workout regiment.    I like my french fries, I drink beers slower than water but quicker than a milkshake and I have a soft spot for reese's peanut butter cups.

4. I don't care if we met online, at a bar, over the phone or through a friend, do not ask me out on a date via a text message unless you are one of the following:  

     a. Stuck in a meeting at work and can only think of asking me out.

     b. Lost your voice and therefore can't wait until you find it

  If you do ask me out via text message, rest assured I will tell you I'm not interested in dating you...via text message and if necessary, an emoticon.

5. Do not refer to your mother without a possessive pronoun.  If I do not know her, if I am not your sister nor your best friend from the early stages of life and therefore your mother is like my mother, she is not nor will she be to me: "Mom".  (sidenote - nobody applies)

6. Don't tweet or status update about our date.  You can secretly blog about it, like I do here, but if you tweet our minute by minute date, rest assured by the time you look up from your 4th tweet, your 5th tweet will read "oh, she left".  Need not 140 characters for that.

7. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, so don't outsmart me with your legal jargon or accounting equations. I promise you, I'd already stopped listening to you.

8. If you comment on my look, The Face, in a negative way i.e. "You look tired" "You look upset" "You look like someone just kicked your best friend" "You look like you want to kick your best friend" "Do you need to be tickled in order to smile?" - The answer to all of these comments is "Walk Away" - that's the only look you will get from me from now on.

So tell Mom, your dietitian, your blind stylist and your idiot dating coach if any of the above applies, need not move forward.

Now they may have deal breakers too, so I'm just going to lay it all out there:

1. My dog sleeps on a sheet on top of my comforter

2. I sometimes drink wine alone because I like it

3. I have on occasion picked up McDonald's chicken mcnuggets and french fries

4. I do not wash my hair every day

5. I hate folding clothes so much that I sometimes dress out of my dryer

6. I have cried, more than once, watching reality television 

Well, just some tid bits to new age dating, you learn your deal breakers the more dates you go on.  I have unsuccessfully been matched up with over 500 guys on eharmony, I have gone on a date with about 20 of them.  I have learned...A LOT.  I wanted to pass this knowledge on so you too don't get blindsided between a dud and a stud.