It's not me, it's you

Dear eharmony.com,

I have decided the time has come for us to part ways.  You have done me well by providing me with endless stories of matches with men who are so unbelievably wrong for me that I have often wondered if your fool proof system is indeed, run by a fool.  You have introduced me to men who are loners, stoners, bible pushers, democrats, republicans, non-religious, non-spiritual, kid loving, kid having, employed, unemployed, chili's lovers, gamers, motorcycle riders, cheap, money hungry, short, tall, fat, balding, overly hairy, funny, dull, intriguing, rude, genuine and in the end, the most common trait amongst them all is they are without a doubt, wrong for me.

So after some quality time thinking about whether or not I should continue this investment in a sinking stock, I've decided to cut my losses, at least for the time being.  See, eharm, it's not me, it's you.  I have found that I love every part of my life, be it alone, with friends, with my dog, with family, with strangers or even on an awkward first (and inevitably last) date.  I'm happy, I'm single, I'm good at my job, I own my own house, I own my own car, I have a healthy sized black lab who adores me, I have a family who supports me, I have friends that laugh with me, I, eharmony.com, am happy. 

I have decided I do not need to you to reinforce time and again that I don't want to be with a loner, a gamer, a nerd, a thirty thousand dollar millionaire, nor even a millionaire.  I don't need to be reminded that "it just wasn't going to work" from these same men.  There is no worth trying with more and more people who aren't right for me.  I have decided that in all this effort, in this time I have spent agonizing over what outfit I should wear on a first date while trying to remember if I wore it on a bad date previously, because yes, I'm convinced clothes have an aura, it just wasn't worth it.  See with clothes, as with men, if it was bad once, well, it will be bad again.  For example, my car got hit one night when I was wearing a new shirt, but I wasn't in the car. The next time I wore the shirt I was driving a friend's car and I got arrested.  Do you think I wasted my time in throwing said shirt away?  No.  Shoes, however, are a different story.  There is no karma with shoes, you know how you feel in shoes, you risk your own fate if you know they hurt and your feet swell up like sausages every time you wear them, that's your own fault, no need to toss them.

I digress, eharmony, it is time we say our goodbyes.  I'm not going without one last try, tomorrow night will be my last eharmony drink date with a fellow who's name is only initials.  I can't wait to see what this has to offer me.  As I sat there alone on my couch last Saturday night watching P.S. I Love You and crying at the mere thought of that movie, I became frighteningly aware of my surroundings; the place where I am in my life is purely my choice. I plan to move forward in my life making choices of who I am matched up with, who I choose to share this life with. So what if I was alone on a Saturday watching the most depressing movie since Old Yellar (which by the way I haven't even seen because of the stories I have heard), I was happy.  This is my life.  Bring on 31 years of age, bring on some stupid mistakes, bring on the travel and bring on the laughter, because this is my life and I choose to live it how I want.

So for that, eharmony.com, It's not me, it is you that has messed up this relationship.  So I say we take some time apart, think about where things went wrong and then maybe, just maybe, we will give it a shot, another day.  But for now, PS.: I don't love you.

-H

PS: Any readers out there, I will continue to update on the shenanigans known as my life...just may not include any inter-web matches! :)

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So last week I went on an eharm first date.  Genuinely nice guy, well I mean, his psycho side did not come out on the first date.  He seemed a little shy and intimidated.  He was a young 29, but a bit of an old soul.  He lived not too far from Houston, but most certainly what could be considered a suburb's suburb.  He made the trip all the way into town just for little ol' me.  I had a nice time, nothing really worth writing home about, but he seemed kind and like he had potential to be fun, he was just hiding it at that point.  I mean a guy who tells me one of the 5 most random facts about him is that he likes to put popcorn in his mouth and then have a sip of wine and feel it dissolve clearly has "Wild-Man" Tattooed somewhere on his body, right?  When the date ended at 10:45 he said that he would like to call me again to go out another time.  I agreed that would be a fine idea.  

After one full week and no word from him, just seeing that he continuously would look at my profile on eharmony day after day (I'm assuming he doesn't realize his name shows up each day that he checks it out) I assumed, without heartbreak, that I wouldn't be hearing from him again.  He'd sized up the situation between us: he likes living in a suburb's suburb, I love living the in the city; I have no intention of staying home from work as a mom and clearly his traditional upbringing of mom at home and dinner on the table at 6 (my dinners would consist of everyone can heat up whichever type of lean cuisine they desire whenever they desire) that this would not be a perfect match. SO, instead of letting this no-chance of a future relationship die a peaceful death, he decides that at 11:30 on a Saturday night he would send me an email that read: "Hey, I did make it home okay. (did I mention I sent him an email the day after saying, thanks for driving all the way out, hope you made it home okay. If i wasn't such a veteran at these first dates straight to the crap pile, I may have worried that something had happened to him, but I knew better). [he continued] I just wanted to let you know that I will not be interested in a second date.  It was nice getting to know you some. -Ben".  Umm, so many things wrong with this. A. Okay, yes, it is nice he didn't leave me in the lurch, but I wasn't actually left there crying, I did go on another date with another guy 3 days after he and I went out.  2.  Not interested in a second date is so "there it is".  I am wondering why it took him so long to construct this 3 sentence email. and Finally. Nice to get to know you some??  First off that is a grammatically incorrect sentence that can be read 2 different ways. The first being, I didn't learn much about you, but the little I did was nice. ORRRR, it was nice to get to know some of you, but I'm not really a fan of all of you.  Take it as you will.  Yes, that is an entrance into the female psyche.

So my question on the brain this week is whether I should stay on this inevitably downhill coaster called eharmony.com and keep regaling you all with stories of these fellas, or should I cut my losses and take a break from the scene altogether?  I mean, it has been fun, but I feel as though this investment is starting to be a bit like renting a house, it is just a sinking money trap.  What do you think I should do?  Thoughts??

Finally, should I get my mother to set a website up like this mom did for her son?  My mother was telling me all about it this morning after watching it on the Today show...if she wasn't so computer un-savvy, I might be worried!

Update

I have turned off match settings this weekend on eharm because of the commercial I heard yesterday on television "Chat for Free on eHarmony this weekend and meet your match". I'm not going to let the Valentine's Day massacre happen again on this day of Independence.  No thank you!

But because it has been so long since I have regaled any of you with my latest matches, let me tell you I have reached the pinnacle of no return.  I have surpassed being matched up with over ONE-THOUSAND MEN!  Yes, during this on and off 3 year relationship, we have really set an all time high, or low, wait.  So out of these over one thousand match ups: 150 of them have kids; 300 of them ride motorcycles; 400 of them are into video games; 5 openly live at home with their parents; about 550 have some form of goatee; 17 of them live no where near the city of Houston much less the state of Texas; I'm fairly certain about 25 of them are looking for a female friend to set them up with one of their gay friends; 1 says out of the 5 things he cannot live without one is Chili's; there is only one, Frank; and I'm fairly certain that out of the less than 1100 matches but more than 1000: 975 are looking for a one night stand.  Soooo, 150 first dates, 5 second dates, and 3 third dates later, I'm still on the prowl and a stones throw from being considered a cougar!

Happy 4th of July my fellow Americans, cougars, cougar cubs and cougar meat, and happy weekend to all!

27

It has been a while since I last posted, but a lot has happened!  Let's see, I went back to Italy, and can wholeheartedly admit that I 100% chose my job over my personal life while I was there.  Now do I regret this choice? Not really, do I wish I had made some alterations with this choice, absolutely!  My dear Italian Stallion from a few months back and I did reconnect, unfortunately it was only via text message and a few phone conversations.  Plus the 25 times he called when I didn't answer in a matter of 3 days.  How messed up am I in the relationship / dating department? I was annoyed this precious man kept calling. ANNOYED????  I'm not sure our paths will ever cross again, but his sweet message he left on my voice mail ending in "Big Kiss mmmhua" will be saved for many, many a long time.

Now why did I title this blog 27?  Well for some uncanny reason eharm, we are on a nickname basis at this point, has been matching me up with a bunch of 27 year old guys.  Now I'm just spitting distance from *gasp* 31, so 27 isn't that far away. Of course I am still doing at 30 what I was doing at 27, filling out eharm questionnaires...GASP!  But this number I realized is significant.  Most recently I have had the honor to accept the invitation to be in my 15th and 16th wedding as a bridesmaid.  Have you seen the movie 27 dresses? It actually looks a bit closer to reality.  I am honored the ladies consider me close enough to stand next to them on what will be the most important day of their lives.  They seem to trust that I will not make an ass of myself while standing there wishing them well and repeating with the congregation "We will" when the person who officiates asks if we will support them.  They are confident I will not object when the officiant asks if anyone who objects will speak now or forever hold their peace.  They are sure I will smile at them when they announce their "I Do"'s and clap when they are presented as Mr. and Mrs. Last name.

They have all attended weddings with me as a guest or a bridesmaid, there is no difference and no change in my behavior.  At the rehearsal dinner I will come up with a clever, methodically funny, and a little bit touching speech which will include the time we met, our laughter at one-anothers' expense, for some reason a failing relationship they watched me go through and of course when their beloved became a part of our inner circle. But what they also know, without an iota of a chance for change, that I will, without a doubt, be the first person to break a sweat on the dance floor. I don't mean a bead on my forehead, I mean, napkins shoved down my cleavage, rubber band stolen from the bartender's tip-wad for my beautifully blond coiffed hair turned blackened wet mess on top of my head.  I wait for my invitation from the band (if there is a band) to get on stage and regale for all the wedding guests my best version of the Hammer in my 4 inch heels.  I will continue to stay up there and eat up the lime light until bride or groom would like to take it from me.  There is no difference from wedding to wedding when it comes to my behavior.  But rest assured, I am the guest who does not break the alcohol bill on the wedding night because I cannot perform these moves drunk, I actually act this way with stone cold soberness. 

I am honored to play bridesmaid and to stand next to my friends, my dear friends and their partners. I promise to stand next to them in their life together as friend and confidant. I pledge my loyalty, I will say "I do" when asked to honor them and walk with them.  And I swear, by the blond highlights in my hair, I will out perform myself from the last wedding we attended together and I will with your blessing, do both the hammer and the typewriter to confirm my good time and your laughter on your wedding day!  To brides past, current and future, thank you for believing in our friendship, but more importantly, thank you for accepting my moves!

Sickly weekend

This past weekend I got sick with the same illness, both Friday and Saturday night.  The diagnosis: Diarrhea of the Mouth. Yes, it is confirmed, there is really no other explanation.  Thankfully this illness usually only shows up post hard liquor consumption and pre-next day apology calls.  To those of you who did not receive a call, my apologies, I cannot recall all of my actions and ALL of my words or do I choose not to?

Friday night I went on a date.  What a fun date!  He picked me up and half way to the first destination he tells me that we were going bowling.  Well my corked-wedge-sandal shoes were not an appropriate choice for bowling and I started to panic.  Thankfully the bowling ally sold new socks and my kind and obviously flustered date bought me a $2 pair.  Now, I'm no athlete. Do you call bowlers athletes? I have no hand-eye coordination.  In short, I suck at bowling, but I can have a good time doing it, I only get competitive at a war of stories, not 8lbs balls thrown at pins at an average speed of 11 mph.  After bowling we went to dinner.  I was STARVING!  I've been doing weight watchers for 3 weeks now and the weekends are really starting to get in the way of losing weight, but I tried to eat little on Friday to eat much on Friday night.  I had to ask if it was okay to get guacamole, when my stomach was screaming for queso and all he wanted was grilled kabobs.  Oh lordy!  Well, we were having a nice time, having known each other for a little while as acquaintances, I felt somewhat at ease.  Then he broke out most personal questions to me, about my personal life, my dating history and what I am looking for in a partner.  All questions that are too deep for me on date number one, however, I can't do anything but answer truthfully.  Enter diarrhea of the mouth.  Eventually he said, and I quote "Yea, this isn't a date anymore".  What wonderful words to hear on a first date, errr, I mean, 1st intention of a date, but my illness turned it into an awkward interview.  Super duper.

Saturday I planned to make the day healthy and productive.  How did I do that you ask?  A friend came over and we drank beer and then went to have Mexican food so I could get my queso and then out on the town.  Now, my illness crept in when we were enjoying queso as I began to unleash the stories of my past romantic encounters and left little to the sanctity of a relationship.  Then we had moved on to the last bar of the evening and I managed to alienate a friend and accuse her of not be excited enough to see me, seriously, at this point it isn't even diarrhea of the mouth, it is diarrhea of my whole life.  Then I saw someone a bit more than an acquaintance but a lot less than a friend and talked his ear off about the energy industry (I may be in it, but I'm most certainly not of any status to talk intelligently about it, with or without tequila).  After, or before, I don't have a time-line, I turned some guy's hat to face front because I thought it looked stupid turned to the side, again, no friend of mine, just a stranger in the bar.  I knew it was my time to leave, I had insulted enough people and not eaten enough french fries.

Now I know I talk about wine and drinking a lot in my blog, but day drinking is not something I desire to do and trust me, I put myself into detox after engaging in it.  I typically choose not to drink into oblivion because my alter tornado ego blows through and destroys everything in it's path.  Two lessons for me. 1: There is a reason I cut hard alcohol out of my life 3 years ago...get back on that train.  2. SHUT UP in THE FACE OF STRANGERS, FRIENDS, and FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO NOT ANSWER ANY LIFE QUESTIONS!