You look worried

In the past month, I have heard "you looked worried" or "you look concerned" or "you look tired" more times than I have in the past 3 years. And, well, I am. I worry if the decisions I have made are the right ones. If I can pull off the impossible. If I leave will it be defeat? If I go, what will I do? Can I protect the team I have come to manage and adore? If I can meet expectations of those who hired me, those who wished me well to leave and of those who I respect.

 When you come to a new place, a new job, a new city, a new country, a new culture, you make adjustments. Not just adjustments to belong in the new setting, but a chance to adjust to the new life you can make for yourself. I moved to Santiago for 3 reasons. Number one, was for my job. Number two, was to learn a new language. And number three, was an adventure. So clearly, I would look concerned. I work 12 hours a day, 5 days a week and I want to succeed. I still own my house in Houston and haven't found a person to rent it. So with my savings, I'm concerned. I want to be able to speak the language, to feel comfortable in the world of Spanish speakers and to hold conversations. I'm concerned that I can't. I'm concerned that I won't be able to accomplish the job I came to do here. I have lost sleep because I want to be succeed. I have started going out to bars more and staying out later and regressing in my maturity of "clubbing". So I sleep less, drink more, and get louder as the night progresses. So clearly, I look tired.

 The worst of the comments, and while I am on this, why do people find it so okay to say comments about the expressions on someone's face, other than "you look happy" or "you look pretty" or "you look kind"? I feel like the only time I receive comments about my look is that of negative expressions. But I guess I am used to it, that's just the way I am perceived. Oh well. Back to my point, the worst of the comments is "you look worried". Now I am assuming people would rather look worried than tired, but the look of worry means there is something negative behind it. I gave up a life to come here. I gave up the comfort of seeing most of my family on a daily basis, of talking to them whenever I feel like it. I gave up the warmth of laughter with my friends whom I've had for years over a glass of wine, sitting in a pool, driving to a reunion or just texting to say hi. I gave up the daily expressions of excitement when I come home to my dogs who are now living with my parents in Texas. The reminder that no matter how happy, unhappy, hungover, sad or angry I am, I must get out and go for a walk, because that is the only thing (outside of being fed) that they request. I gave up my nieces' recitals, their birthday parties and the ease of getting to hear their laughter if I've had a rough day. I forfeited weekend trips to California to see my nephew and niece hunt easter eggs, or open presents on the hottest day of the year. I walked away from hugs from my dad and gentle looks of support from my mother. I did not give up my love life in Texas, so there's one point!  Pro/con list, pro has 1. I traded these things in temporarily for adventure, success and of course, stories.

 My look of worry is if I can make this work, if I can stick this out, if I made this trade off for failure. What will happen if I let go sooner than I expected? What will I do? Where will I go? Will the people I respect the most in this world, continue to respect me? Is it giving up if the chance to succeed was impossible? If I go back will I get in another rut? If I stay, will I risk the happiness I worked so hard to find within myself? I look worried, because every other day of my life in Santiago, I am worried.

Yesterday I had a blissful day sitting in the park with friends, enjoying a beautiful day and some good laughs. Today, I worried about what tomorrow will bring. I wish, one day, so very soon, someone will say to me "you look like you are at peace". Decisions are hard, follow through is trying and regret is a choice. I do not regret the things I have done, only those I have yet to do. I'm just a girl trying to make it in this world, and I pray that I will make it work the best way I can. And for you, may you spend today with security and tomorrow in peace.