Saturday, September 22, 2012

Can you Fling what you already Flung?

Well, it turns out, you can. I apologize for my disappearance over the last two months, but honestly, there hasn't been enough action to share.

Now I thought I would give you some advise on those that once were. You may have been tempted to dip your toes in the water again that may have given you enlightenment or even a rash. And let me tell you, you can dip your toe in it again. But, if the first time around, you received enlightenment, let me be the first to admit, it is never as good as the first time. Let the memory of the fling of the past stay in the past. Let your mind warp it into a fantasy of all shapes and sizes almost to the point that you don't even recognize yourself in the story. But, if you do this, do not think that if you have the opportunity to fling what you flung before, will be ever as good as the "memory" you made it to be.

I was pleasantly surprised when a vacation fling from 3 years ago popped up in Chile a few weeks back, to find out that while I was on that vacation, my alcohol goggles were not that thick. He was cute. He was still young, it seems that as you age in your thirties it takes so much longer for them to leave their twenties. But, it was nice to catch up. Now, remember, I am in no place to start anything, and really, I don't want to want to get too much information about a potential or past fling's life, and find myself wrapped up in their drama. Well when the fifth sentence out of a past fling's mouth after 3 years to you is, "well, I basically had the worst year of my life after I met you". You tend to lose all sorts of flutters you may have had in your stomach prior to the re-rendezvous.

When you are on vacation, do yourself a favor, either leave with the fling in your heart and the hope for potential. Or leave the fling in Belize with the memories you make them up to be! While reuniting can feel so good, it can also destroy any potential make believe stories you would like to have of him in the future.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Happy birthday! Pretend someone is interested in you

This past Friday I celebrated my 32.2 birthday. You see I don't have to age another year this year because the seasons are so opposite from what I am used to, that I figure, same goes for aging! I wasn't sure how I was going to feel on this birthday. I'm 5000 miles away from so many of the people that I love and cherish, and yet I am here making new friends and experiences and so many adventures. Well I did okay, only 3 times did I let tears fall. People near and people far made me feel so loved, that the tears that were shed were because of an overwhelming emotion of gratitude. But as with every birthday, I reflected over the past year. The changes I have made, the dreams I have had and the blessings for which I am thankful. And then I also remembered, well, there goes another year single. And I am picky, I know, the older I get, the pickier I seem to get which means I have made this lifestyle for myself. And there are really only two days out of the year where it is alarmingly obvious that I am single, on my birthday and on New Year's eve. I'd almost rather spend NYE by myself than with a room full of friends who all happen to be couples because when that clock strikes midnight, I feel like that girl who didn't get asked to dance the last dance in middle school, awkward. I become aware of the situation, I don't get upset about it, I just find it all very obvious, if only to me.

Then…there are those select people who won't let it go. The ones who think the only thing they can socially talk to you about is your dating life. The ones who can turn a conversation so awkward that everyone needs an escape. And that is one of my colleagues. On my birthday one of my best friends had a gorgeous bouquet of flowers delivered to me. Flowers are my favorite gift, they brighten a day, a room, and any attitude. I loved that my dear friend sent them to me. She knows me so well, she knew that would be something I would cherish. So I had them sitting on my desk, basking in the glory of the fact that they were mine, from my friend, I am loved. Then in walks "Sheri", who I find to be one of the more annoying people I have ever not had the pleasure of knowing. First thing out of her mouth "oooh, are those from a guy?". I responded with a big grin on my face and said "no, they are from my good girlfriend". She gave me a look of not just pity, but I swear her eyes filled up with tears. She responds with "oh, I thought they may have been from a man. I'm sorry they are not". I told her I wasn't sorry and I wanted so badly for her to just stop talking. But she's one of those that doesn't stop, even with a mouth full of food while also swallowing her foot, she still goes on. "Don't tell people they are from her, tell them they are from a guy so they think you have someone". Holy shit! Are you serious? I had to tell someone, on my birthday, that I was okay with being single. When I wanted to both punch her in the face and crawl into a hole. 5000 miles away from my social comfort zone where I could make fun of her and her comment until the end of the day was the most difficult part of that entire exchange.

So with 32.1, I did not fall in love, but I did accept a proposal to change my life and move to South America. Now with 32.2, who knows what this year will bring. But it started off with love from friends and family, flowers, tears, reflection and most importantly, laughter.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

In the words of R.Kelly, "Take Yo Shit"

So, let´s bring it back to the basics of this blog. I started this little online collection of stories to reflect and laugh about my somewhat ironic dating life. Well, I´ve moved to Santiago and since met a guy who asked me if I could picture us getting serious after we met and went on a walk, I met a guy who offered to teach me Spanish but bartered with a weekend away at his parent´s house and I met someone who invited me for coffee after a Saturday night rendezvous only to ask me for help in getting a job at my company. So, these guys weren´t the ones me. In fact, I realized soon after Mr. One Stop Relationship Talk that I just wasn´t in a place for a relationship. I needed to get to know myself here in Chile and explore and be free and have no obligations. The Spanish teacher informed me that Chilean women would not have read into his offer of meeting the parents and daily chocolates as hitting on them, but merely kind and normal gestures. Side is that ever normal? And Saturday Night Coffee Job is one thing to never call, but to not pay for coffee AND still have the balls to ask for help for a job? There is something to be learned here.

Now, on to the next part. I have often heard about girls who leave their underwear or purse at someone´s house after having slept over. And I have never understood that. I mean how do you forget to put on the one thing that must go on before pants? I am going to be blatently honest, it is the first thing I put on before any other clothing. It just becomes a habit after you stopped peeing in your diaper. Am I right? And if you wore a bra out the night before, isn´t that because the braless look was one of two things...inappropriate or uncomfortable? So again, how could you leave underwear that you had on in the first place. And your purse. Really? Your purse? Didn´t you need to reach in there to touch up your makeup before you "woke-up" looking fresh faced and gorgeous? And then you forgot it? If you didn´t feel like wearing underwear home, wouldn´t you use your purse to stuff it in and get the f´ out? Well, I finally came privy to the information that it isn´t forgotten per say, it is actually a tactic. He has something to remember you by OR a reason to call. OR you have literally just guaranteed an embarrassing facebook posting "xx, you left your drawers last night" or in my case, you probably guaranteed indenity theft and credit card purchases at Buckee´s. Either way, I don´t get the forget and dash. I just don´t. I´ve never forgotten to put on my underwear before I leave for work, so how could I do it before I leave to go scarf down that turkey burger to soak up last night´s mistakes? Exactly.

Now, I had a, umm, "friend", come by about 2 months ago. We met up and he was wearing glasses, probably because he needed them to see. But when I found them on my entry table the next morning, you can imagine my disappointment. Now, you were wearing them for site 12 hours earlier, but now you can make it out and down the street and to the subway and on to your parents and just in time to be able to read and write a text message that says "whoops! I´ll come by and get them later.". Umm, no you won´t. We talked about this, but a man needs to see and I can´t throw away glasses. So we met for lunch. We became friends. I invited him to a dinner party at my house with about 15 other friends. He was nice enough to bring a salad. He left when the others left. He got home, went to sleep, woke up, and was able to write and send a text that read "whoops! I´ll come by to get the container I left later." Are you serious? Nope. Here´s the hint, take yo shit. I mean, I appreciate the flirtatious gesture behind it, but let´s grab a hint. After I leave your container at my front desk for you to pick up while I am out of town, sending me a text asking to "stop by" late one Saturday night is still not appropriate.

So far in my time here, I have learned South American men are a whole different breed I need to understand. It´s like 15 years of dating and I am starting all over again. much to learn, so little time!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Update on You Look Worried

I took some time to myself, to really reflect and consider my decision and my choices and I decided to go on another hike…

I packed my backpack full of water and peanuts and a sandwich and fruit and I packed my mind with determination. This hike was steep. I mean really steep, I was pretty sure that I was walking at a 30 degree angle and it was tough. I can't talk while going up because the air was thinning, my heart was racing and my lungs were trying to keep up. So I had to tell myself more than once, "mind over matter" over and over again actually. We got to a point on the mountain where a few people decided to stop, they had reached their summit. One of the guides asked me "do you want to stop or do you want to keep going?" I responded with heavy breath and said, "I'm not sure yet, give me a minute to catch my breath". He said, "Well, how's your pride?". I looked out over Santiago and replied "My pride is doing good, but I'll give it some more". And up I went. At a few points I had to actually climb, to use my arm strength, my leg strength and by God, my mental strength. I realized it I could make it further, but I was slowing the guide down and I'd rather pace myself and stop here. I was proud of what I had accomplished. I had made it above the smog line and if you live in Santiago or have ever been here, to get to that clean of air, above the smog, it is an accomplishment.

And I turned around and started back down, on my own and filled with so much emotion actually of where I was and the place I stood. And I was able to look out onto the city and see the clouds parting, the sun making its way through and I smiled.

It took a few days for me to realize all that I had actually gotten out of that hike, other than some nice pictures and a seriously sore body. I realized the same thing can apply to my life here in Santiago. I can turn around and go back to where I came from any time I want. I can accomplish many things here and I can fail, but when I am ready to go back, on my own terms, then I need to be proud of what I have done. There is always a chance for failure and to even fall on my ass on the way up or the way down (which, yes, I did do on the hike), but I can pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going, whichever direction I want. I feel empowered about the fact that I have made this journey so far and I know I can walk with my head held high. So, I learned while hiking, as in with life, it is my life to make my decisions. Nobody said this journey would be easy and everyone told me that even considering it was worth something. Now I've come and I've made it 5000 miles, a few tears, some good laughs, 2 mountains, and so many new experiences…Onward and upward!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

You look worried

In the past month, I have heard "you looked worried" or "you look concerned" or "you look tired" more times than I have in the past 3 years. And, well, I am. I worry if the decisions I have made are the right ones. If I can pull off the impossible. If I leave will it be defeat? If I go, what will I do? Can I protect the team I have come to manage and adore? If I can meet expectations of those who hired me, those who wished me well to leave and of those who I respect.

 When you come to a new place, a new job, a new city, a new country, a new culture, you make adjustments. Not just adjustments to belong in the new setting, but a chance to adjust to the new life you can make for yourself. I moved to Santiago for 3 reasons. Number one, was for my job. Number two, was to learn a new language. And number three, was an adventure. So clearly, I would look concerned. I work 12 hours a day, 5 days a week and I want to succeed. I still own my house in Houston and haven't found a person to rent it. So with my savings, I'm concerned. I want to be able to speak the language, to feel comfortable in the world of Spanish speakers and to hold conversations. I'm concerned that I can't. I'm concerned that I won't be able to accomplish the job I came to do here. I have lost sleep because I want to be succeed. I have started going out to bars more and staying out later and regressing in my maturity of "clubbing". So I sleep less, drink more, and get louder as the night progresses. So clearly, I look tired.

 The worst of the comments, and while I am on this, why do people find it so okay to say comments about the expressions on someone's face, other than "you look happy" or "you look pretty" or "you look kind"? I feel like the only time I receive comments about my look is that of negative expressions. But I guess I am used to it, that's just the way I am perceived. Oh well. Back to my point, the worst of the comments is "you look worried". Now I am assuming people would rather look worried than tired, but the look of worry means there is something negative behind it. I gave up a life to come here. I gave up the comfort of seeing most of my family on a daily basis, of talking to them whenever I feel like it. I gave up the warmth of laughter with my friends whom I've had for years over a glass of wine, sitting in a pool, driving to a reunion or just texting to say hi. I gave up the daily expressions of excitement when I come home to my dogs who are now living with my parents in Texas. The reminder that no matter how happy, unhappy, hungover, sad or angry I am, I must get out and go for a walk, because that is the only thing (outside of being fed) that they request. I gave up my nieces' recitals, their birthday parties and the ease of getting to hear their laughter if I've had a rough day. I forfeited weekend trips to California to see my nephew and niece hunt easter eggs, or open presents on the hottest day of the year. I walked away from hugs from my dad and gentle looks of support from my mother. I did not give up my love life in Texas, so there's one point!  Pro/con list, pro has 1. I traded these things in temporarily for adventure, success and of course, stories.

 My look of worry is if I can make this work, if I can stick this out, if I made this trade off for failure. What will happen if I let go sooner than I expected? What will I do? Where will I go? Will the people I respect the most in this world, continue to respect me? Is it giving up if the chance to succeed was impossible? If I go back will I get in another rut? If I stay, will I risk the happiness I worked so hard to find within myself? I look worried, because every other day of my life in Santiago, I am worried.

Yesterday I had a blissful day sitting in the park with friends, enjoying a beautiful day and some good laughs. Today, I worried about what tomorrow will bring. I wish, one day, so very soon, someone will say to me "you look like you are at peace". Decisions are hard, follow through is trying and regret is a choice. I do not regret the things I have done, only those I have yet to do. I'm just a girl trying to make it in this world, and I pray that I will make it work the best way I can. And for you, may you spend today with security and tomorrow in peace.