"It's not too late"

This was the statement I got from a woman I was sitting next to getting my nails done on Saturday when she asked if I had any kids.  I said, "Nope, I have a dog" and smiled and she said "Well, it's not too late".  SERIOUSLY?  Did I ask her with my eyes, do you think I still have a chance?  Did I somehow give off a sign to her that my biological clock was slowly dying? No, I was simply enjoying my pedicure and neck massage and then all of a sudden I was a spinster on her way to a life of cats and crocheting.

Let's keep in mind this woman was the mother of 6 ranging in ages from 13 to 5 and she herself was rounding the corner to 50. She was right, if I was on her schedule of creating my own soccer team, it was Not too late.  But when she offered for me, a perfect stranger, to watch her kids in case I "needed a reassurance of birth control" I thought why is she telling me it's not too late?  She's trying to pawn her offspring to someone that all she knows has perfectly pedicured feet!

I seem to hear some version of this phrase a lot when I am asked if I am married or I have kids.  "Oh, it's not too late" or "well, I bet you have a great career" or "I have a feeling he is around the corner" and my favorite "this is your year to find someone!".  Now these are actually encouraging words to hear when you are down and out and needing a little good relationship mojo, but when you get these phrases from your waxer, your nail salon chair neighbor or  worst, your mother's friends, then it just falls short of hope.  Who decided it was the right of the betrothed to bring the relationship void elephant into the room and drop it on its proverbial head?  I do like to have some pick me ups and my nearest and dearest know just the right things to say at the right time, but the strangers, the ones my relationship only goes as far as the randomness of running into them, it is those people who amaze me at their brazen judgments.

I don't mind being single, because I love living my life so much.  I know I'm not the only one who gets this type of reaction, just last night I saw my single life on the big screen in Eat, Pray, Love (my single life, as in the comments about needing to give reasons about why I am still single - not the writer traveling all over the world life...I'm not that delusional!).  However, I do have some advise for those of you who are single and at all questioning your calling or even those of you in relationships. I suggest not seeing Eat, Pray, Love because inevitably you will do as I have done and spent the better part of your night researching ways to start over and still live comfortably. Seriously, I want to give up all that is stable and good and normal because I'm ready to take the plunge!  Unfortunately, I have to have a realistic savings plan first, not all of us get a book deal to travel the world!  Son of a bitch!  So, my plan now is to get yoga certified and travel the world teaching, finding my spiritual zen leader on my journey and then find myself making out with Jarvier Bardem on a beach.  Yes, Jarvier will be there and it will be A-MAZING! I am now saying to myself "It's not too late" to take this journey into self discovery (well, once I have the funds to support it)!

So to you, chatty woman with the large brood, thank you for reassuring me it is not too late to continue enjoying my life just as it is and hell, even making plans to take a chance on a journey as well - eventually!  And to you my friends who are contemplating your next step in life, I say just keeping going forward and don't be nervous about what may or may not come to you, because the fun part is in the journey itself! Namaste!

Addendum

Okay, for those of you who think I literally die a little inside when my friends get into relationships...it was meant to be a joke.  I love that my friends find someone to share their lives with...

Just friends?

So lately I have had the conundrum of realizing my single friends are really starting to disappear.  In fact when each single friend meets someone who they could potentially get into a relationship with, yes I do say how excited I am for them, but let's be honest here, a little part of me dies inside.  I mean, how can they continue to leave me in this boxing ring alone while they are on their way to getting an actual ring?

Recently I met a fellow who's company I thoroughly enjoyed.  He was unattached, well, he wasn't in a serious relationship and I had my eye on a certain hunky tennis coach at the time.  It was refreshing to have a platonic few nights in Colorado with a fellow who I was certain would be my next new best friend.  You know what happens when you leave vacation?  REALITY!  Seriously, like a slap with a ice cold piece of meat on the face, it is a harsh reality.  Life isn't all tandem bikes and drinks during the day and laughter all night.  Reality is this 8 - 6 job, in bed by 10, drinks only one night a week and daily exercise to burn off the vacation weight gain.  Reality is coming home and having luggage in your room that you have to unpack, it is there to remind you that you have have to do your own laundry.  Reality is walking the dog, feeding the dog, eating lean cuisines, not ordering room service.  Reality is also finding out the new best friend you made while on vacation is actually not your best friend.

How do you ask out a friend? How do you say to someone you laughed wholeheartedly with at the most asinine comments for 3 days that you want to grab a drink with them in a platonic way? Think about it...get on facebook, find someone of the opposite sex that you recently met and enjoyed being their friend and send them this message "Hey, you want to grab a drink sometime?" Wait...that implies date.  "Hey, Friend, good pal, feel like getting wasted?" Wait...that implies needing someone to comfort me in a drunken stupor. "Hey there, haven't seen you in a while, feel like catching up, not that we have anything to catch up on, really, but you know exchanging pleasantries and possibly tossing one back" Wait, that sounds like you are really hurting for a friend and no idea how to have one.  How about "Hey, i know you are seeing someone, so don't take this the wrong way" I'm just going to stop, we can all see where that will lead. 

So how do single girls and single guys make friends with one another in our 30s without the other person thinking they are hitting on them?  I mean, let's be frank, I do realize that men and women can't exactly be the best of friends and there will always be some sort of tension between them, but can there be an attempt?  I have no idea how to move forward on being friends with a straight single man.  The gays, I've got no problem and I love that, I do not discount my gay men friends, they are my heart.  But here I sit agonizing over how to have a guy friend that is single, when we all know if he was interested in me as a friend I would have heard from him by now, so shouldn't I cut my losses?  I'm no fool, I don't look at the obvious, the obvious is a son of a bitch.  I don't cut my losses, I over-analyze and I blog about it.

So here's to reality, here's to the luggage, the lean cuisines, the dog and the 8 - 6.  If it weren't reality, I would have no place to take my mind to on vacation, physically and mentally.  Mental vacation is the best, I've made friends, gotten married, had an affair with Bradley Cooper, moved to an island, had a driver and most importantly, I've known the right thing to say to everyone without sounding like a total bumbling idiot!

Opinionssssss.......

I ask for opinions, I seek opinions even without asking for opinions, I want people to know my story and give me their opinion, but there is a catch.  I only want your opinion if it is in my favor.  If I tell you a story regarding my latest tryste or rendezvous with a certain hunky tennis coach, I want you to be jealous.  If I tell you the story about our second date and then his sudden call back to where he lives, I need you to reassure me his excuse is legit, in fact, I want you to research it and prove it to me.  However, if your opinion on said situation is of utter disappointment, if it is the truth that speaks "he's just not that into you" "maybe you shouldn't have been so available" "you probably should have said something like this..." then I don't want to hear it, in fact, I didn't ask for it, if you look back on our conversation, I only made statements, no question mark was used. I simply told you a story and that was it.  Tricky.

You see, this is how I handle all my stories.  If I'm trying to make you laugh I expect you to choke a little on your wine from laughter.  If I'm telling you a story about a bad day at work, I expect you to be on my side and empathize with me.  If I tell you the hundredth story about a guy not being interested in me, I fully expect a "he's totally into you, he's just a player, a jerk and obsessed with his career".  

Okay, there is another catch.  I do want to hear the truth, because the faster I hear it, the quicker I can accept it, but the truth must be told with delicacy.  If you choose to think the dress I am wearing is better suited for a 19 year old or perhaps even someone 25 lbs lighter, I don't want to hear "you are too old for that dress" or "well how's weight watchers going?".  I want to hear "you look so young in that dress, it almost doesn't reflect the respectable woman you are" or "I think that dress is made funny, it doesn't look right, in fact, it looked off on the hanger".  As a recent example I purchased a beautiful dress for a wedding because the weight watchers effect didn't work for the original intended attire.  After looking at pictures and finding that my size D's were busting out the top and my yet to be highly defined triceps flapping during my wedding dance, I was somewhat embarrassed. I mean it wasn't terrible, but it wasn't amazing either.  When I pointed it out to a friend after the fact I said to her "dear God, i really shouldn't have worn that dress, i looked ridiculous" and she responded with "no, i thought the dress was beautiful".  Beautifully put, beautiful dress, woman inside the dress another sweaty story! :)

Friends, strangers, near and far, these are my thoughts, but I'm fairly certain there are quite a few women out there who feel the exact same way.  The long of the short of it is, my therapist tells me to stop telling everyone my stories but what she doesn't understand is that I am making an army of supporters by telling them.  Without an army of support better known as my friends, new or old, how in the hell could a girl get through a "something came up" scenario or worse a saddle-bagged ass squeezed through a silk sleeveless dress in the junior section?

I want opinions, I just want the right ones and I'm lucky enough to have an army who gets it! Soldier on friends, you are doing something right, I'm happy still!

Newsflash...We aren't 21

I have had several incidents lately where I have pushed my 31 year old status, I've tried to deny it, hide from it, drink or dance it away.  Unfortunately, each morning I wake up and my body says to me "Newsflash, Idiot, You are not 21". 

Two weeks ago I went out with some girlfriends to celebrate July birthdays.  It was a fantastic showing of some beautiful 31 year old gals, and clearly 31 year old pallets and livers.  At 21 I would have been under the table after having just my first cosmo.  But as 1AM rolled around and our 31 year old bodies said it was well past time for us to be in our ill-fitted pajamas and mouth guards, we headed home.  Mind you, I didn't leave without a little flirting and pretending I was still young and cute and yet sophisticated and smart at the same time.  This is not easy to do when the intended you are flirting with watches his freshly poured and purchased glass of wine go flying off the table after one of your "hilarious" stories that entailed flailing of the arms.  21 or 31 I don't care what age you are, that ain't right.

Last weekend I headed out to Vail for a dear friend's wedding.  I decided to make this my vacation.  I was going to go white water rafting, on a category 5 trip, not ever having stepped foot in a rafting boat.  Yikes!  I was grossed out by the idea of borrowing used booties for my shoes, so my 31 year old self reached into my deep pockets and threw down the $10 to buy them.  However, I didn't reach down far enough to buy myself a new wetsuit...who needs one?  Well...if you saw the rash on my stomach, you could answer that question now too.  Spending 3 hours winding down the Arkansas river at sometimes ridiculous speeds and all the while, trying not to go to the bathroom on myself, because that would be rude to whomever wore the wetsuit after me.  Only at 31 do I think of others, at 21...F* 'Em All!  Apparently a 21 year old wore it before me.

I woke up the day after the trip realizing I had body parts I was unaware of that could hurt.  At 21, these didn't exist...being sore wasn't an issue.  At 31, it is nearly debilitating.  So knowing what helps a good sore body at 31 is working it out the day after, instead of drinking it away, I decided to hike around town with friends.  Then I got my 31 year old saddle-bagged ass on a tandem bike

for one hour with one of my best friends.  Because of almost killing two women and a small child while riding tandem, I spent the entire bike ride laughing.  It wasn't until the next day when I realized beneath my 31 year old looking stomach, there are muscles...now I just need to spend sometime really locating them for the future, to get that 21 year old body back.

The day after the bike ride and walking, I was done with activity. I'm a 31 year old woman for God's sake...I need a break.  Why not stop in a cute little restaurant with some friends called Sapphire and order 3 Bellini's before 3:00, no wait, make that 2:00.  Genius!  It was time to get ready for the wedding at that point.  So I put on my newly purchased $38 shoes, and was immediately made aware of why exactly they were only $38.  We were treated to a beautiful wedding in Vail that night, the bride, the groom, the wedding party, the families and the guests all looked great and were definitely surrounded with the feeling of love.  Moving on to the reception...

31 years old + $38 shoes = Disaster on the feet.  We weren't 1 hour into the dancing when my shoes were off and my white trash roots were on...barefoot at this elegant affair.  Thank God the bride is so laid back...clearly this would not have worked at other weddings.  3 solid hours of dancing, air guitar, non-coordinating lip-syncing and clapping, the night ended with laughter, love and joy.

Sunday came along and I was once again awakened by my body with "Newsflash, Moron...You are REALLY not 21!".  My body blows.  I hobbled my way through the streets of the Vail Village, nearly vomited on the shuttle to Denver, limped through the Denver airport and finally stumbled my way home to Houston.  Other than the 9 hours a day I have spent at the office since I have been back, I'm fairly certain I have been asleep the rest of the time.  So, with that said.  I may no longer have the stamina and agility and body of a 21 year old.  However, I'll accept my memories, my bank account that affords me these shenanigans, my 31 year old friends that give me the pain from laughter, and my 31 year old life.  I wouldn't trade this for perkier boobs, creekless knees or even a flatter stomach (okay, I wouldn't trade it, but I wouldn't turn down the offer to boost either!).  I am thankful for my lines, my rolls (well okay, I'm not crazy about them, but I know why I have them) and my hilarious life I have been blessed with.

May you all fall out of a raft, get a rash, go tandem, rule the road and lose your filter...clearly I lost mine long ago and I'm so thankful for that!