On the mend

It has been a while since my last update. Since I last wrote, we have had Thanksgiving and eaten too much with our families and friends, at least I hope you all did too.  I have also had a 4 hour surgery, as I have referred to it, to save my sanity.  At 19 I was diagnosed with the condition called Endometriosis.  To learn more about it, just click on the word.  This has been something I have struggled with, tried to hide from and tried desperately every which way to rid myself of the pain.  I have had 3 laproscopic surgeries in 12 years, I have been put on induced medical menopause for 6 months (that was a nightmare for me and anyone who came within a 1 mile radius), I have tried 8 different types of birth control pills, I have given up red meat and Peter Pan Peanut butter among other pallet delicacies to try to slow the condition from spreading and I have cried endlessly to OBGYN's, Gastroenterologists, Internists, my parents, my sisters, and my friends. I begged for a hysterectomy at 19 and at 26, I have suffered night sweats and hot flashes, I have left work, missed nights out, carried pain killers and muscle relaxers on every trip, I have become immune to some pain killers and gotten mildly addicted to others after each surgery only to painfully pull myself off of them.

This last surgery, just last Tuesday was the one to "save my sanity".  In September of 2009 I had an episode that made me have an emergency appointment with my doctor, she proposed doing the surgery again, but I put that suggestion aside. Last March I had an awfully painful incident which sent me back to the doctor, she again proposed doing the surgery, but this time not by her but with a specialist.  In April I went on the girls weekend trip and discussed all of the issues that I had been having quite openly with my friends. Never did they know the full extent of all the pain, discomfort, embarrassment, frustration and effects this condition had on my body, my mind and my life.  They agreed with my doctor emphatically "HAVE THE SURGERY".  I got no less than 8 emails / texts from each of them following that weekend with one of two phrases "I'm still hurting from the weekend" and "Have the surgery".

It wasn't until August that I made the appointment with the "Endo" specialist.  A long 5 hour appointment of being poked and prodded and put out for display and an hour and a half of discussions involving the phrases "you could have it much worse" and "you will always live with Endometriosis" but only one sentence that struck a positive chord with me "I will get everything out that remotely looks like it and we will find a treatment to help you." It was the first male OBGYN I had seen since my first diagnosis in 1998, but I felt comfortable with him. Though his analogies comparing me to a plane ride or house hunting scenario didn't exactly sit right with me, he was jolly and optimistic. Something I had missed in a doctor for a while now.

So here I sit on the mend, recovering from 4 hours of surgery with four incisions in my stomach and abdomen. I sit here quietly hoping that something that would typically have triggered a symptom will creep up and I will find that I am at a painless peace again, for at least a while.  However, the pain trigger can't be pulled like the flip of a light switch.  Instead, I must wait patiently to find that one day I will realize I didn't have pain that month, that time, in that instant. Instead, I trusted my body, something I haven't done for years now, and I have relaxed.  I'm hopeful, so extremely hopeful and optimistic that I will have at least a few years of normalcy, perhaps a more restricted diet (but a sacrifice I am willing to make) and just maybe at peace with my body. 

Now I realize this is one of the un-funnier topics I could write on a blog about my single life.  However, there is a point to this post, as I try to make one every time.  I believe now, this tidbit of information, may give you some insight as to not only why I am still single, but why I am a bit neurotic, somewhat timid and all around closed off when it comes to the non-emotional side of a relationship.  You see, this isn't information I share with every suitor, it usually comes up in a relationship, but try using the words "ovaries" "Fallopian tubes" and "uterus" on a date, be it first, third or tenth.  Here's how the conversation goes in their minds:

me: I have scar tissue on my ovaries and

interruption in their mind: her ovaries? Is she talking about wanting babies?

me continuing: Fallopian tubes

interruption in their mind: Fallo-what? Tube? She wants me to get tested with a tube?

me continuing: and uterus and I feel a lot of pain, a lot of the time.

interruption in their mind: Great, she's telling me this information to let me know she's been hurt a lot.  Shit, I wasn't looking for anything that serious yet.  I gotta get out of this. Let me just tell her it will be okay and she doesn't need to talk about it because I can tell it isn't easy.  Then, let's get out of this situation before she talks about tubes again.

Seriously though, it isn't an easy conversation with someone new or serious because in the serious stage then you have to share that having children naturally may not be a possibility.  This is a conversation I have with my therapist about 3 times a year, but the first I have had now, with the world of readers.  So if you know of anyone who has Endometriosis, give them a little space and an ear, because unfortunately, sometimes the only way to help the pain of having this condition is to scream, cry and eat Peter Pan Peanut butter your way through it.

It is December, the month for Holiday parties, too many holiday spirits and a time for a boat load of embarrassing single stories...I will not let you down!  Happy holidays, stay safe, smart and sober at work...:)